The drugs have taken away some of my depression and anxiety... the chasm remains, void of happiness... nothing is left... darkness... and silence...

I think the drugs are working... but it could be a number of other factors at this point.  Life is picking up.  I think the drugs are teaching me to separate my physical self from my emotional self, which can be scary if I have a panic attack without the panicking part, and when my body goes into a depressed state and cannot breathe well and has a heavy weight on its chest, yet psychologically I am fine and can think clearly and get through my day well.  It's an odd dichotomy, but one that will teach me how to continue to do this in absence of any medication. I'm glad I'm learning this lesson.

Today, my problems made the jump from conscious to sub-conscious.  I had what the doctors in the emergency room told me was a panic attack.  I haven't been able to breathe correctly since yesterday morning after going an entire night without sleep.  Breathing is labored and voluntary, and I cannot get to my full lung capacity.  It's like there's an invisible brick on my chest.  The scary part is that nothing of this was emotional.  I was not panicked today, I was not scared, or overwhelmed, or anything like that.  I was glad to be alive, glad that classes are working out better than I thought they would, that I have more clear goals at work now, that I had an awesome weekend with Kuk Sool and D&D.  Then, boom.  Can't breathe, fingers start tingling, moves to hands, wrists, forearms.  Before I know it, I'm walking as fast as I can (not fast under these conditions) to the emergency room, not knowing what the heck is going on.  The next scary part... they took my O2 stats, blood pressure, checked my heart and lungs, and NOTHING was wrong.  They said I was hyperventilating when I came in, but I didn't feel like I was at all.  I was talking to the nurse, so I didn't have as much time as normal to take the breaths that I have been, namely slow and short.  It got to the point where my whole face started convulsing, and my forearms and hands and fingers locked up.  I had to get the nurse to dial my phone for me so I could tell my psychologist I would be late for my appointment because my fingers wouldn't move.  (Will finish Later... maybe... probly not)

I figured it out.  No... I should stop saying that.  I'm not sure I will ever really figure out every lesson there was to be learned or every problem that went wrong with me and Kelly, but I did solve another huge one today.  The reason that I have lost so much of a sense of meaning in my life, or fulfillment, or joy, etc. is because I do not give of myself to anyone anymore, or at least not nearly as much, as deeply.  It's why I have been feeling so alone, even when I have all these friends who are willing to pour into me and help me.  Because I have no one that I can pour into.  I used to make her laugh, to comfort her (I hope at least sometimes), to talk her through her problems with her parents, or do what I could to help her with her life direction.  We shared our frustrations, we motivated each other to go forward, to be the best each of us could be.  Now I don't have that.  Now I am a leech of a friend, in mostly commensalist relationships at best, at least that's what my perception tells me, which often has a fairly high standard deviation from what is correct.  Sure, there are some times when I make my friends laugh, and maybe even help them with their problems if I can wrench it out of them, and show them that I am there for them, but is this worth the frustration I put them through?  One out of one girlfriends answer "no."  I feel like I've stopped helping anyone else, that I've stopped giving of myself to anyone, that I am only here for my own survival, and that before I was even aware of it, my own body is telling me that this type of life is not worth the work of keeping my heart beating and by lungs breathing to sustain.  This is why my life feels so incomplete without you, Kelly, because I don't have anyone that I want to live for other than myself anymore.  This is why I have no drive, no motivation, and why my energy level is shot and I can only sleep all the time, because I know that this life is worthless without someone that I can pour into and give of myself... there's no point to it.  I hope that you come back so I can make you smile again.  That's what I need.  Someone I can give joy to.  Someone I can make happy.  Until then, I cannot be happy.  Simple.  As.  That.

I can't bear to look at this blankness of a page just staring back at me.  It's like that one Nietzsche quote.  That's better.  At least there's something there now.  The blankness terrifies me.  It's like it's sucking me in... oh no, wait!  *Wooooosh*




...





help!  Where am I? Get me outta here! Ugh... this was bound to happen sooner or later... 

I can't function with other people.  That makes me...
1) asocial
2) antisocial
3) autistic
Being around them makes me feel awkward, pressured, stressed out, afraid, and anxious.  There are very few exceptions to this.  At the same time, I am very lonely right now.  I hate mutually exclusive positive feedback loops, one malady leads to the other, yet the solution to each is the trigger of the other.  These drugs better start working soon.

Day 1 of medication.  The psychiatrist decided to give me Zoloft because it acts against both anxiety and depression.  I'd have to say, I was a little disappointed because there was no formal diagnosis, he didn't explore the possibility of bipolar disorder but just looked at the most readily apparent symptoms, which I guess are the most important to treat anyway.  We talked over the other findings that I got from the counselor's session and also decided that it would be a good idea to supplement with counseling because some of the origin of both of these conditions comes from something that drugs cannot treat: obsession, inability to let go, guilt, self-hatred, fear.  I took the first 25 mg dose directly after the appointment because I figure I don't have any time of my life to waste, especially if these things aren't supposed to kick in for about a week or so.  I'm still too afraid to go back to the class that I skipped in order to make this appointment.  I don't know what will happen if I do.  No one told me what will happen.  No one prepared me for this.  I'll try to start writing on here more to track my progress.

So far, not even a placebo effect.  Still just as frustrated, afraid, angered, and debilitated as before.  No change.  Only thing that helped me get through most of earlier today and yesterday was talking to my PI about her life story which must remain confidential so I cannot write about it on here.  All I can say is that it scared me out of the torture chamber of a microcosm that I had put myself in. 

Red Pyramid

I can barely focus enough to get a single sentence in, much less a paragraph, but I'm going to try.

I'm going to try to remember the conversation I had last night, which was something that was quite the epiphany of insight for one of my friends as to why I am so screwed up.  This friend was very confused as to why this failed relationship means so much more to me now than it did when we were still together when back then, she was the one who had to convince me not to break up with Kelly and not to give up on the relationship, etc.  Here is as best as I can describe why all of this is the case...

When Kelly and I were still together, I felt discontent that was accompanied by a sense of guilt.  The discontent was with her, whether it was over her looks or how we didn't have the things in common that I wish we had in common or how I got tired of some of her repeatetive mannerisms even if they were cute because I wanted a romance that was deep rather than something that at most times was just "cute" at best.  This all created a sense of guilt, which formed a positive feedback loop.  The more guilt I felt, the more discontent I became.  The more discontent I became, the more guilt I felt.  I felt guilty for even looking at or talking to other girls.  Whenever we tried swing-dancing, I would not let myself dance with anyone else but her lest I aggravate this loop.  After enough cycles, I gave up on ever really being content and just settled, as much as I could, because I would feel guilty for breaking up with her and trying to find someone else, because I didn't think my reasons were ever good enough to warrant breaking up.  This caused me to feel guilty about going out with her in the first place, because all of this could have been avoided.  This guilt turned to anger, which I took out on Kelly, because I felt trapped.  Trapped by morals that were not my own, imposed by what it would look like to others if I broke up with someone as wonderful as Kelly for the reasons listed above.  Helpless but to wait for her to change to fit what I wanted or for what I wanted to change to fit what she was.  Neither happened.  Now, I am still left with that same incapacitating guilt because it was this downward spiraling cycle that caused the breakup to happen.  I still feel guilt when I'm around girls who are more attractive than Kelly, and it makes it very awkward sometimes, even if I just want to be friends with the person.  I feel like if I wasn't able to sustain a relationship with someone as good as Kelly was, then I don't deserve someone that good.  I am not contradicting myself as it may seem.  There are two axes to take into consideration when I'm talking about Kelly.  One is relative to me, a compatibility scale, all of the things that I would want personally and specific to me.  The other is a general scale of quality of a person, things that are universally appreciable: patience, kindness, gentleness, honesty, compassion, humor, etc.  I could not get over the fact that I had someone who was perfect on the latter scale, yet lacked significantly on the former.  It felt like I had everything I needed and nothing I wanted, meaning I felt like I was morally obligated to be content and sinful for wanting more from someone who was perfect in one way but just not in another.  It is this self-scourging sense of guilt that still binds me to that dead relationship and it is why I drag its mutilated corpse with me everywhere I go.

This all compounded with the fact that she was what gave me something to look forward to in life.  The only thing I am really looking forward to at all anymore is the day when she comes back, which means I'm looking at a day which may never come to pass.  No one and nothing else interests me much at all anymore.  If it isn't boring, it is irritating; if it isn't irritating, it's just another source of stress or hopelessness.  I just don't want to be here anymore.  Failing at a relationship, the one thing that I spent more time in preparing for than anything else in my life, has broken me irreparably.  Failing has become a lot easier to me now.  It's so much simpler just to fail, give up, then learn to let go like I have to learn how to do with this relationship, except now this same process applies to homework, classes, school, extracurriculars, and even friendships.  I have lost the one thing that kept me going and gave me drive: the will to never give up, to stick with something until I die, to persevere until it comes to fruition.  Well, I was given up on, the tables were turned on me and I was not allowed to not give up and hold to it, and now I'm not much better than dead because of it.  Just like the Red Pyramid, I am an undead shade of a cursed nightmare, living in an unreal world misted-over, and hacking away at anyone that even dares come close to this monster.

I hope you had a wonderful birthday yesterday.

(Courtesy of PostSecret)

I played D&D for the first time today.  I'm really glad I found group of friends that I can just have fun with and not be serious and not feel at least too criticized.

Not much to say, kinda tired.  Miss you.  I think I found someone that I can start talking to about how to deal with a breakup.  I'm a little intimidated by him only because he has a very dominant character, but otherwise we get along well.  Hopefully it will come up sometime when we can talk about it a little more seriously.  Then again... maybe it would be better to talk about not seriously.  That might be more productive.

Delete

It's so easy to delete pictures, or throw away sentimental objects, or give back letters, or block communication.  But why isn't it so simple to delete memories that plague one's present?  The ones that manage to hijack any train of thought, break into any mental safe that you try to secure your thoughts with, and rob you of your joy, focus, concentration, and motivation.  If you're going to leave, why don't you take everything with you?  Why do you leave traces behind you?  Like the tip of a blade that breaks off and starts digging its way toward one's heart even after the knife is wrenched out from the wound made where it was plunged.

October 6th.  My first and long overdue psychiatrist appointment.  I am too desperate at this point to be scared of anything they will give me.  I'll still do the research on whatever they give me before I take it, but regardless of any side-effect, it will be better than trying nothing or continuing to try all of the things which have failed or I have been unable to do up to this point.  I no longer have Kelly to help stabilize my mood, which didn't even always work but it drastically helped, so now I will have to find a chemical substitute for what should have been there without her in the first place.  I'm a little afraid of what effect they will have on my various neural plasticities.  I kinda wish I could get to talk to Kelly before the drugs change who I am and she doesn't get to talk to the old me... maybe she doesn't want to anyway, as is probably the case.  I wonder if she'll like the new one any better.  I'm not sure to what degree they will change my personality, but they wouldn't be doing their job if they didn't somewhat.  I don't know what I will turn into.  No one does.  I guess that's part of the adventure, part of the risk.  Goodbye old Daniel, adventurous, risk-taking, passionate, frustrated, depressed, hyperanxious, and a swirling cauldron of every other emotion in the book... I hope I don't get bored with myself or with life after I start these mood stabilizers, assuming that's what they'll give me.  It's probably going to be something along the lines of Equilibrium from what I hear, though obviously not as drastic.  I'm wondering what the next step will be.  Like, what happens when I have to go off the medication?  What if one of the effects of the drug is BDNF build-up, which has been proven to be a molecular component of withdrawal symptoms when the stimulus of BDNF over-expression is removed?  It has been an implicator in withdrawal symptoms in many anti-depressants, but I'm not so sure of generalized mood stabilizers.  Man... I feel like my brain is saying to itself: holy crap, I don't know what the hell I should do either, let's just dump in everything we've got.  I feel like I've run out of stress hormones and am now strung out and going through withdrawal myself.

Another day, another mutual friend lost.  I wonder where they're all going and who they are?

How far down the rabbit hole does this go?  It's been so long I'm not so sure I can trace it accurately, but I have to try.  Recent progress shows that this has been going on longer than since Kelly broke up with me.  That traumatic instance only intensified what was already there and took away that which was comforting me to counteract whatever it was/is.  Now, I'm just dealing with the same thing, but I don't have the intense kind of motivation/drive/security/comfort that comes from being in a relationship to get me through it.  Now it's just me and my friends, who have tried to help me in the past, but nothing ever makes this go away completely, which means in order to prevent textbook insanity, I need to look elsewhere for more drastic help.  I tried calling in to set up an appointment with a counselor today, but the counseling center was booked full for today (they only do same day appointments, and I called merely 40 min. after they opened this morning.  I guess I'm not the only one whose mentally screwed up).  They referred me to the mental health clinic on campus.  They were booked for a solid month.  I guess I'll just have to try again tomorrow.  Until then, I don't really want to talk to anyone that much until I've reflected enough by myself.  The only means that I can think of to get me through this are to first stabilize myself through chemical override of my emotions, since other methods of control have been drastically inadequate up to this point.  We'll see where to go from there once things are stable.

Blogging to a blog is like talking to a dog (I promise that rhyme was unintentional).  You can tell it prettymuch anything you want, and it will be there to listen when no one else is.  It will not be hurt by anything that you tell it, or get offended, or feel demeaned, or take insult, or be frustrated at you, or give up on you, or leave you.  It will stay there and listen faithfully no matter what you throw at it.  The trade-off--and there always is a trade-off--is that it will not say anything back to you.  It will not help you with your problems other than by staring back at you with its docile little eyes that mirror your own words without ever understanding what they mean.  It will not comfort you in your distress by truly and actively helping you, just passively offering its constance and immutable ever-there-for-you presence.

Conclusion: I need a dog.  Now.

You know those math problems that you spend forever on only to find out...
NO SOLUTION!!! 
Yea, well, that's my life.

I'm so sore I just want to sleep and cry.  There's too much demand for my time and not enough to go around.  I've already overspent myself and it's not yet three weeks into school.  Every muscle in my body aches and feels like it's completely used up.  My arms and wrists are so sore I can barely hold a door open.  My back can barely bend over to reach my shoes to tie them and to bandage both of my injured legs.  I don't have the time to take care of myself properly.

Tonight is the only night this week where I have had homework and I cannot focus for the life of me.
My apartment is as hot as the 7th layer of hell itself, and the humidity is so bad that it's hard to breathe at night unless there is a fan blowing right at me.

Well... it appears now that Kelly has blocked me from reading her facebook wall... and notes... and basically everything except for pictures, which are worth far less than 1000 words.  This is not making the loneliness I am in any less intense.  Quite.  The.  Opposite.

Talking to Caitlyn til practically 5am last night helped... but it didn't solve the underlying problem.  Nothing seems to.  I just don't want to be lonely anymore.  I sound pathetic, but that is only because this issue has been stripped of all complexity.  I do not think there is much if anything more that I have to discover about it.  I am simply left with the bare reality.  I'm lonely.  Desperately lonely.  I remember a time in my life when I was alone, and lonely, but I was not desperate.  I was merely curious and fascinated by the idea of having a companion and not being lonely.  I had never partaken, so I was not driven to madness by not having it.  Now is not so similar.  I am no longer hopelessly romantic as I once was.  I am hopeless... and whatever romance there was in me has died.  I'm afraid of even trying to be romantic because I fear that it would combine with my desperation and breed something terrible.  How long... how long... how long...
The only option that I can think of to truly solve this is to replace her.  Unfortunately, I made an ill-founded promise that I would not go out with anyone until she was over me, but at this rate, I'll never know when that is, and I cannot be living still chained to her in this way that is keeping me bound in this loneliness, especially when she never made the same promise back.  She could already have found someone else for all I know.  We've already talked about how "it wouldn't be fair" to the other theoretical person if I were to not "be over Kelly," but to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I will ever be over her completely in every possible sense.  She is still living in my past, and I still have the fresh scars from her, so there is no just getting rid of her or getting "over her."  It is possible to get to the point where I no longer desire her romantically.  Is that what it means to be over someone?  I guess I'm already there then.  Can we all stop this now?  Or do I have to not desire her friendship at all too?  Where is the limit?  To what length must this be taken this before my unintentionally vague promise is fulfilled?  If we were still talking, I would probably take back what I told her at all.  It was meant as a sympathy for her, but I did not consider the anchor that it would hang upon me.  I did not consider that it would be a chain of hopelessness binding me still to her.  This chain needs to be broken.

I want to take a semester off.  But I can't.  Not because of school, but because of work.  Because of money, because Rob and John won't be able to cover rent without me.  I just want to stop.  I'm not getting anything out of my classes this semester.  I wish I could drop them and start over... but it's too late in the semester.  I don't know what I should do anymore.  I can't see a way out.  I can't see a way through this.  I need help.

I should be doing biophysics homework, but I literally have no motivation whatsoever.  I can barely stand to look at the problems.  I need help.  I really hate it when professors have only 3 schedules lecture slots a week, and they build there class such that they make it where just going to these lectures is not enough, so they force you to come into your TA's or prof's office hours, even though you already have a damn-full schedule and do not have time except after 5pm to do anything, and no one has office hours that late.  I guess they all have lives or something stupid like that.  Either way, it really pisses me off.  Why don't they just schedule a discussion section like any other normal class?  Is it beyond them?  What the hell is their dysfunction?

I've gotten to used to things getting terrible and out of my control and then so bad that the only thing I can do is give up and then learn to let go.  I've gotten really good at letting go.  But now I don't know how to pick anything up and hold onto it.  I can't afford to drop anymore classes unless I add a 2nd half-semester course, which is what I did last semester, and it ended up working out terribly.  I failed the course I picked up.  I just want to start over this semester... no... I want to start over my whole college career, starting the summer before when I made what is now the most negatively impacting decision of my life.

I can't seem to just sit down and focus on anything and get anything done... and the worst part is that I'm losing the capability to feel bad about it or stressed or driven enough to make me do anything different.  I have just let go of all of these feelings.  I have lost my drive.  That too I have let go of.

Get me out of this place.  Someone?!  Can anyone hear this???!!

I have convinced myself of a few things, at least in concept, as I'm not sure how to go about them in practicality. I have agreed with myself to start seeing a counselor, and possibly for more long-term help join group therapy, if that is what is prescribed to me.  If they want to give me drugs, I will take them, after researching any side-effects of course.  I am willing to try just about anything at this point because nothing is working.  I've even convinced myself that it would help me to try casually dating someone, just so I can figure out how not to take a relationship too seriously, so I can get used to it not working out if I find that we are not meant to be together long-term in a completely committed relationship, so I can find out for sure what I do and do not want in a person, actually rather than theoretically.  I can spend all day trying to come up with a list of things that I think I want, but if I don't end up enjoying them in context, what difference would it make?  That said, I am open if someone happens to come along.  I'm not sure how it would all work out, because I still don't even know how to casually date someone, or what it would even look like, etc., but I do know that I'm open to pushing myself to be able to try something new in this area.  I may not be good at it at first, but we're all learning.  We all need more practice, is the motto of Kuk Sool Won, and if I practice something with extreme frequency that is comparatively trivial such as martial arts, why would I not want to practice for something that is heavily determinant of the outcome of the rest of my life?

I dont know what "alright" is anymore.  My entire equilibrium has been shifted and I don't know where the normal lies.  I don't know what I should be feeling, what parts of me I should be repressing, or if not repressing them, then how I should give them their place.  I feel like the lack of companionship is seriously getting in the way of my friendships, because they cannot give me enough to fill the hole that has been made.  I just want to cry and sleep... but I have work to do, and a test that I haven't studied for nearly enough tonight.  I should be studying right now, but I can't.  I just can't.  It's hard to read a screen when it becomes blurry all of a sudden.  Something needs to go.  Something needs to leave my life... but I don't know what more I can possibly cut out.  Classes? I guess there may be one that I can drop at the most.  It's pretty much too late to replace it with anything now.  Why does this still have such a damn hold over me... it's been so long... I guess time doesn't have anything to do with it.  I thought it did.  I thought I could just wait.  But no.  Waiting just makes it worse I've found.  It just concentrates it.  It focuses it and keeps me from focusing on anything else.  I just want to leave.  Take a metaphysical midnight train out of this life.  Help me... I wish someone could, but I don't think it's possible anymore.  I think even if Kelly were to come back, I wouldn't get better.  I would just continue to get worse regardless.  The damage has been done, and some wounds never heal.  Some wounds never heal til death makes them irrelevant.

Nothing new to say.  Just miss you.  Wonder if you miss me too.  Wondering a lot of things about you.

*Feels like Kiba after he was wrenched from the garden of eternity*

I love it when things click in my mind and finally begin to make sense... except when it sucks.

I just figured out through some form of passive neural computation that the reason that I tend to push away my friends or whenever I distance myself from them, it is because deep down, I want more than friendship, I want companionship, and with that deeper desire masked by the also present desire for friendship, the friendship becomes unfulfilling, and hence I move away from it.  The other alternative is that I start acting as if I am in a companionship, which only leads to hurtful buildup of unspoken desires and wishes.  So far, it's been mostly the former.  I fall in love then with my guitar, or with my adventures, or with my martial artistry.

This is such a lame time for me to be writing, but I have to.

1, I just got a new Das keyboard and I have to use it.
2, It's been a loooooooooooooooooong week.  I injured myself in such a way that I should have gotten stitches, but I didn't know that you can only get a suture 6-12 hours after the initial laceration.  Suckage.
I had to take off most of my classes on Friday just so I could sleep and catch up on work from the lab.  I flat out didn't turn in 2 major assignments this week.  It seems to me that I have fallen behind and started digging.  Not to mention, I had the first dream about Kelly in a long time last night... one in which she came back and was very friendly, but almost too needy still and vice versa.  I still wish I knew where she was at.  Hell... I wish I knew where I am.  Typing on a blank keyboard is like playing a guitar without fretmarkers.  Freeing... yet so free it's confusing.  That is how my life seems right now.  Like I'm not bound to anything, except my work and academics... which apparently are not binding me as much as they should be.
--------------
I went out parkouring and running last night with Frank after going to Kuk Sool earlier in the day.  1st time I did any activity since I busted my shins on Tuesday.  Thankfully, I didn't start bleeding again, despite the fact that I again slipped and fell partially on my shins.  Alyssa visited yesterday, but I didn't really get to see her because of other things I already had going that day.  I guess I shall just have to visit her on my own sometime.  I could use the one-on-one time anyway compared to visiting in a group.  I could never get the hang of  being in a group.

Feeling kinda lonely.  It's been over a 1/3 of a year since Kelly broke off the friendship completely.  I hope she's doing alright.  No one will tell me anything about her.  I wish we were still friends.  I don't know what will still be there if she ever comes back.  I'm scared to think about it now.  Maybe I'm just scared.  I hope you're doing ok.  Your pictures say you are, but they can be interpreted many ways.  I sometimes wonder what you would think about all the new activities I'm doing.  Would you be worried, happy for me, think I was just doing something stupidly dangerous, or whatever else.  I don't know.    How's the healing coming along?  I think for me the rate of acquisition of new injuries is greater than the rate of recovery from old ones. Not sure if the metaphorical counterpart is true, but it's something interesting to think about.  Still waiting...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9yhSFpblUE&feature=player_embedded

‎"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be."

Miss you...

Not much to say tonight.

I've finally found a way where I can learn parkour.  In fact, there are a lot of opportunities for things I've always wanted to do that I'm taking advantage of.  I think now more than ever I am enjoying the freedom of being single, and by that I mean the boatloads of time that I have to spend on whatever I choose, the not having to check in with anyone else or take anyone else's preferences about what to do or how to utilize one's resources, etc.  It feels nice, though I might add a bit selfish, just having to worry about myself for a change.  Life is a lot more manageable, even a lot more fun and adventurous.  I don't have to deal with anyone's stubbornness or lack of enjoyment or knowledge/understanding about this or that.  If I want to do something, I simply surround myself with the club/group of people that also enjoy whatever that thing is.  Again, it feels almost socially promiscuous trying so many different activities, and not getting bogged down or overly focused on any one of them, but this is how I am, and this is how I would have it.  There are a few clubs that I had to turn down, so as to not overburden myself, so it's not like I cannot say no to adding new time commitments either.

There is one person whose presence has not recently become considerably grating upon my being.  Now it is simply amplified by proximate living quarters.

There are still only two people in my life that I am not terribly afraid of calling for no particular reason at all, just to talk: my mom and Kelly.

blah...gh? 


Sorrow ferments into bitterness.


The usefulness of all the passions consists in their strengthening and prolonging in the soul thoughts which aregood for it to conserve,'' Descartes wrote. ''And all the harm they can do consists in their strengthening and conserving... others which ought not to be fixed there.''


A recently attended neuroscience seminar I attended informed me of a purpose and mechanism of emotional arousal, why it happens and how it works.  The release of norepinephrine (aka, noradrenaline) after any experience has been shown to drastically enhance the recollection of that experience in the short and long term in direct proportion to the amount of norepinephrine released.  


As with everything, this is a double edged sword.  With lab rats with which this was tested, they remembered which plate they stepped on gave them a shock so they could avoid it next time they were placed by it.  But with victims of, let's say, post-traumatic stress disorder, their memory of emotionally intense and for that matter horribly destructive experiences cannot be erased, and it is simply too powerful, so powerful that it fixates their minds completely upon that experience, especially if something triggers it.  


Norepinephrine, released from the adrenal glands, stimulates the amygdalla, which then goes onto up-regulate most/virtually all other sections of the brain dedicated to memory storage, regardless of the type of experience or what has been "learned" through the experience.  Theoretically, if there is a defect, rather a defective enhancement, of the amygdalla, then the victim will have one hell of a time being able to "let go" of their memories, good, bad, and debilitatingly painful.


I'm not exactly trying to make a medical self-diagnosis here, but this is interesting to think about. I am someone who, at least in my opinion, has a fairly sharp long-term memory.  Short-term is a different story, and sometimes I think there may be something wrong with my hippocampus for not being able to remember where I left something 2 minutes prior.  But with my long-term memory, I don't know if other people remember as much as I do, but I think it is somewhat abnormal.  I can remember dreams that I've had from when I was 4 years old, many times exactly where when and how I learned many of the words that I know, etc.  My mind is frequently always playing some memory on repeat over and over again, either in reminiscence which is more willful, or in just because that's what it does automatically.  Based upon how emotionally amplified my mind makes even mundane situations and experiences, it is no wonder to me now why it is the case that my memory is the way it is.  It is also no wonder why I am finding it impossible to let go of the more recent memory of when Kelly left me.  I'm not sure what the clinical definition of PTSD is, but I think I have a micro-version of it.  What was sorrow at first ferments now into bitterness and anger over what happened.  


"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger.  Anger leads to hate.  Hate leads to suffering."

Will everyone please just leave me the hell alone.

There's nothing new to say, nothing special that sets this off, this is just how I am, and this is just how things are going to be for "a while".  This is not something that talking about can help.  I already talked about it, and believe me when I say that that's all I have to say about it.  The best thing that you can do is to learn that there is nothing you can do and learn to accept that and then do nothing.

Forgot to post last night, so I'll write this morning instead.
"A guy can make a girl's night just by asking her to dance. Really, boys. Go for it." -KSH
Well, at least somebody is doing what I could never really get into.  I've tried dancing before, and for the few times that it has been an enjoyable experience, sure I thought it was great... but at what cost?  Dancing causes me the same frustration as playing guitar and sucking miserably, except at least with guitar I know what I'm doing most of the time, I know how to improve, and it's a form of art that I connect with on all levels, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually even.  I never could get the hang of dancing.  It's just not me... I mean, what I do in martial arts is very similar to dancing, but it's a solo act, one with a lot more freedom than dancing which is bound by the shackles of proper timing and a set rhythm, which I do not control but must follow like a slave and which is always there to remind me when I get out of line, off-tempo, or mess up and cannot find an entry point back into the song.  Now it's been over 2 years since I've started practing martial arts, and I have gained a lot more control over by muscles, appendages, internal energy, and mind, yet I still do not think that dancing is something that suits me... at least not the kind that everyone insists upon me, i.e., swing i.e., something light and jubilant and nothing serious, just a lot of fluff and flashy show-offishness in my opinion.  There's no soul in it, nothing epic, nothing grand and nothing deeply romantic at all.  Not for me.  Maybe I could learn some different type of dancing that is more fitting toward the identity I have chosen/realized for myself, maybe something more like a ballroom setting, but not the stuffy, overly formal kind.  I know from performing the Hyung of Kuk Sool that I deeply enjoy moving gracefully and controlled and flowing like a Chinese dragon, but thus far, I have not found a style within the realm of dancing that even comes close to the grace, power, and comprehensive unity of oneself that I find in the martial arts.  Pity... because the one thing that dancing seems to have that martial arts lack is being able to share with a partner, and so I plunge further into my isolation.  Maybe I was never meant to have a companion at all... maybe I'm just confusing myself... it doesn't seem like I do any better no matter if I'm with someone or if I'm alone, so how do I tell which is the right option... or am I back to the same place I was before, where apparently, God will bless either path I choose, I simply must choose one... well... I know what I want, but I don't know if it wants me.  I don't know if companionship is compatible with me at all.  I hope it is... I don't know what I'm saying anymore.  I need to go.  Crying doesn't work well when trying to spar against other people which is what I have to do shortly.  It blinds you, and then the only thing you can see is a blurred fist coming for your already stinging eyes.

Sick of typing, but I told myself I would start doing this... so here I am.

My right hand feels like it has carpel-tunnel syndrome from how much I've been typing... which is pretty much all day at class because it's how I take notes, and much of the day at work, the combination of which is 9-5 every weekday.

Had a relapse today... or was it yesterday?  Two days ago?  I don't know, it started when I found out that Laura was going to stop talking to Frank for a while.  It gave me flashbacks which started on re-run in my mind.  It's been about 3 1/2 months so far, maybe a little more.  I guess it's getting easier, though my friends seem to think that a platonic friend has an attraction toward me which is in absolutely no way mutual if it does indeed exist.  Why the heck is it that people start falling for you if you just want to be their close friend?  I guess this doesn't happen to me all that often... because I don't really get that close to too many people.  I never knew how to make the first move in a friendship... or relationship for that matter.  Consequently, I just wait around hoping someone will make me their friend because I don't know how to start a friendship.  Heck, I can barely reciprocate if other people even want to start a friendship sometimes.

There's a little bug that keeps scurrying across my screen.

Man, do I feel like crap.  I haven't cooked a legitimate meal this week other than some egg-in-the-nests for breakfast.  Not enough sleep... people keep partying next door and they're REALLY LOUD.  Some chick came by and asked to borrow our spatula so she could make tortillas yesterday and she still hasn't brought it back.

Some guy came up to me in the Quad Shop today because he saw my Harper lanyard, and apparently he went there and also attended Willow Creek for some time.  We started talking church, and he went to the Vineyard church in Evanston.  I told him I went to the Vineyard in Crystal Lake, blah blah blah, anyway it ended in him asking if he could pray for me for no particular reason, so we went outside on some stone bench in front of where I worked (class just got out, so there were a lot of people walking by), and he put his hand on my shoulder and started praying out loud for me.  This is something that I would think Mr. Ritchie would do, and he has done it before, but with him I felt comforted and encouraged.  With this guy, I felt scared, threatened even.  It was not a good experience for me I think.  I walked away confused and all.  I haven't been touched meaningfully in a long time, and I guess I'm just not used to it anymore.  My parents don't really hug me unless I'm about to leave them for a few months, and even then it seems like it's just protocol to them. Laura said "I love you" in parting some time I think a week or so ago, and I didn't know what to think.  It's been so long since I've heard someone really say that at all, let alone mean it.  I miss being able to say "I love you" to someone and really mean it without the other person getting all weird or not knowing what I really mean.  I'm crying now... Guess I should have seen this coming.  Here it comes... le deluge.

I miss you, Kelly.  I hope you're ready to come back sometime soon.  I'd really like to hear about how college is treating you and all, what with your 21st birthday coming up and all ;)  Have you made any new friends yet?  What are the people up there like?  How is your roommate?

I'm supposed to be going to a lab party hosted at my professor's house, and she told everyone to invite their significant others, just about killed me, as Holden Caulfield would probably say.  I just finished Catcher in the Rye for the first time.  It gave me something to kinda relate to... not sure if that's good or not.  Good book, though no real beginning and no real end.  It just happened.  In the book, Holden has this ex-girlfriend named Sally Hayes... irony... not funny God... not funny.  Ugh... I guess it's time to go.  I have to get up and drive and shoot shotguns tomorrow and hopefully actually hit the targets.  Nowhere left to run for refuge.  No geographical place on this earth left.

See you when you get back... whenever that is...

Pensar antes de Dormir

Tonight begins my trial of a self-experiment that I would like to begin of taking time to blog before I go to sleep (now that I FINALLY have internet back in my place of living).  I hope that this will begin to order my thoughts while I sleep so that I can start to master my mind more thoroughly.  A plus to this will be giving my brain problems to solve with its unconscious computing that goes on during sleep.  This is my time to cool down from the day if it has been stressful, or overly stimulating, or anything that it needs to reorient itself before recharging for the night so that sleep can be maximally restful and so my mind could be more perfectly organized, efficient, and in general, free from the cognitive dissonance that so often befalls me.

Not much on the mind right now other than the awesome StarCraft II game that I just played for the first time with Rob after buying it today.  I am locked in anticipation of my awesome weekend where I get to learn how to shoot a shotgun for the first time with the Trap and Skeet Club.  Also, I'm going to meet a bunch more people at the paintball club's first match of the academic year.  I'm noticing a correlation in all of the activities I'm choosing lately:

StarCraft, a real-time strategy game
Trap shooting
Martial Arts
Paintball...

It's like my inner warrior is tearing his way out of the built-of-cowardice cage that so long held him bound.  Granted, there are much bigger foes and challenges to face than that which a warrior faces on in terrestrial theaters, but the principles are the same.  War, whether outer or inner, is for the individual a time in which he must act often upon instinct and intuition alone.  He needs to be able to trust himself with himself by himself, yet additionally be able to lead and support his comrades, being conscious of their weaknesses, strengths, fears, amount of courage.  Awareness is key, an almost omnipresent consciousness that makes every in-the-moment detail relevant.  To become fully aware, one must first purge themselves of any distraction, or attachment as the Buddhist's would term it, any impurity of thought must be smelted out, any mental shackles broken.  The mind must first become void to then be filled with only that which is desired, just as a pitcher is useless unless first being an empty vessel.

So Laura finally decided to "take a break" from Frank.  Interesting timing with this one.  I wonder what Kelly advised in this situation, though I heard a little of what she said.  I hope she can be there to help reaffirm Laura that this was the right decision so that her guilt would not weigh on her and in so doing destroy the good she might receive from taking this leap of faith.

They still can write letters to each other, which may provide an adequate bottle-neck on their communication, but the fact that even one line of communication is still open I think will not sufficiently silence their thoughts toward each other.  Laura did make a good point though in that this is a baby step... maybe more like a baby leap... in the right direction and that if she wouldn't have taken this possibly intermediary step, then she may have not done anything at all.  Either way, the question is not whether this will be good for both of them, it is simply a question of degree.  I hope I can do my part to share with her also what I have learned from separating myself from another person whose presence I was addicted to and how I was able to let go of it and finally move on.  Granted, Laura's and my goals are different in our own respective situations, but the means to attain those goals are similar enough where I think this will be a good time for us to really help each other out (as we have already started doing).

I'm not so sure how Frank will take this chronically.  Obviously it was a great shock initially, and he is someone who is very good at masking his emotions/state of well/unwell-being.  I'll continue doing what I can to be his friend and at least take his mind off this, which probably won't work, but fulfillment of duty supersedes acquisition of results in this case.

Often times I feel like I cannot start writing because there is simply too much for me to say at any one time.  Other times, since there is so much to say, I cannot afford to not write.  This one of those latter times.  No particular order, I'm just going to go with this one...

Kelly left for college for the first time a couple days ago.  She's meeting new people, playing frisbee, exploring the campus, and finding a place to call home for the next two years.  It's exciting to see this process vicariously.  I really hope that she is journaling these moments so that I will be able to see what she is thinking right now, what she is experiencing, feeling, living.

Not being able to see her before she left has actually helped my letting go a lot more than I thought it would.  I still think about her, obviously, which will not change for probably several years, decades, who knows, but I feel a lot more free now about just letting her have her own life and am content to sit on the very distant sidelines and imagine what it must be like.

I am scared too.  Afraid that now that she's meeting all of these new people, she will find someone that she is attracted too and/or vice versa.  It is unclear to me whether she will allow herself to date someone else before she starts talking to me again, and I am afraid of what might happen under those uncertain conditions.  Nevertheless, I am acceptant.  I am, however, afraid of the shame I would face if she does find someone that treats her a lot better than I did.  It's kind of a silly fear, because if that was the case, then it would be a lot better for her... heh, I guess it's just my competitiveness coming out.  That's something else I'll have to let go of.

I think I'm almost at the point where I can envision myself with someone other than Kelly.  Not saying that I am anywhere close to finding anyone else, but even getting close to detaching myself to the point where I would be acceptant of someone else is some major progress for me.  I wonder where Kelly is at with this.

We passed very close to Beloit, WI on our trip to Michigan.  I wanted to stop by there on the drive back so at least everyone else in the car could visit Kelly.  I would have been content just to sit in the car, invisible, just so I could know that she would be happy by seeing everyone else that was with me.  That didn't come to pass though, even though I brought the idea up to Laura.

Well, I think I'm done for now with putting my fears to pixelated rest.  I hope you're meeting a lot of new and awesome people up there, Kelly.  I know college is going to be a blast for you.  Make every moment count, not that you ever had any problems doing that.

So long, and thanks for all the Rice Krispies.

Too Late Now...?

I don't expect that you are still even reading this blog, so please do not think that I am trying to communicate to you.  I would think that you would communicate with me first or even talking to our friends before going and reading this.  As such, I'm sorry, but you read this at your own risk.  I do not mean to disrespect you if you do continue to read further, as it is not meant for you, even though addressed to you.

I was so close... so close to failing again... so close to trying to break free of the rightful punishment that I have garnered for myself.  But I didn't.  I did the right thing... or rather, didn't do the wrong thing.  I wanted it so desperately that I was just about to take it for myself... I know now that I'm not going to get it... even though I hold onto my last shred of hope that she will talk to me before leaving... I guess there is still time... but what then... When will "all the things we said needed to be done apart from each other." be done?  What even are all these things?  It is unclear to me what I am waiting for exactly.  "you will have to lose her in order to gain something better, and for her to gain, as well. I know you said this would destroy you, but maybe that's what God wants so He can build you up stronger than before." How much "gain" is it that you need before this is over?  This has destroyed me, and God is building me up stronger than before... but how much stronger do I need to be?  Is any of this even dependent upon me whatsoever?  "I hope to come to you only when I am ready." What will it take for you to be ready?  "we shall speak again when things have gotten better." How much better?  There will always be scars... there may always be some measure of pain even.  Where is the threshold?  How are you going to decide?  Will we still be able to be best friends when you come back?  Will you be able to share with me/catch up on all of the precious moments that I am missing in your life?  Your last day at work at the library, your adventure to Niagara Falls, your anticipation, excitement, and fear of going away from your home that you've lived at for your entire life, your seeing your brother and father both leave your house and being left so alone compared to what you have had most of your life, your first experience being away at college, meeting your first roommate and living with her, dorm living and all that comes with it, the entire process of whatever it is you're doing right now: trying to get over me, healing, growing in your own relationship with God... Will we be able to talk about all of the things that I'm learning and only wish I could talk to you alone about them because I know that you're the only one who shows so much interest of all of my friends, things about dinosaurs and paleontology, geology, all of what I'm reading about in Emotionally Healthy Spirituality... Will we ever get to share our art with each other, now that I have finally found a type of graphic art that I love too with stained-glass... I hope you like the loon... Hope you don't mind, but I had to borrow some of your glass to make the most prominent feature, it's ominously glowing red eye.  You always loved loons... I always loved birds, of most every sort, but I had a special affinity for wetland birds, gulls, loons, mallards, puffins...

I really wish I could at least know how you're handling everything.  I'm not sure exactly what I would gain from it though, but must I always be after something to gain?  Cannot some things just be done, just to be done?  Not so much existentially, but more in the sense that I am trying to move away from being so preoccupied with making an accomplishment out of all things I do, and that I must do them efficiently, well, and with utmost intent every time.  No, I need to learn to do without becoming a slave to doing.

As for myself, I am growing, even in the midst of the pain of not having you around.  I can't say that I've let go of our friendship, because that's something I'm not totally convinced that I have to let go of completely, not to mention 'letting go' is an arbitrary term, and what I'm using it as may not exactly be what you think it is.  I can live without it, but I would not prefer to do so.  I guess that means I have let it go in some sense.  I'm not trying to get to the point where I don't want it anymore or where it is the farthest thing from my mind, because that would be letting go too much I think.  I am striving to find the balance, and I am wondering what it is that you are striving for.  Not thinking about you is not exactly as much of an option for me, because of how much I hear about you through friends, facebook, etc.  I don't know if you've been better able to block me out, or how much that has helped you, etc.  All I know is that I need to find another way of dealing, because I'm different than you, and though I cannot put a name to it right now, I have found ways of coping that work, if only temporarily, because thoughts of you do always keep coming back, and I don't expect that it is necessary for them to leave before you do come back.  Thoughts are thoughts, they do not govern me, quite the contrary.  Even in writing them down now, I am showing that I am ruler of my own thoughts, and they do my bidding.

I just wanted to say that I'm so happy for you... I recently was bitterly jealous against you, but talking with close friends, and hearing a piercing message from Pastor Tim, and hearing the same message from God during my times of meditative prayer, all these have caused a paradigm shift in me.  I realized that there is no way that I would have ever been able to be happy if i do not know how to put aside myself and delight in the joy of others.  Learning to do this has been so freeing...  I still get the slight pangs of jealousy, but after a short repentance, they go away and no longer rule me as they did before.  I'm happy that you have so many good Christian friends to support you and get you through this hellish time that I have caused you and I to go through.  I'm glad that you finally get to get away from your stressful situation at home and "start over" as it was, at Beloit.  I am still scared that you will find someone to "replace" me, especially after I promised you that I would not go out with anyone until you were over me, and especially because I did not hear you make any such promise to me, and this has been eating at my mind lately, because at the time it sounded sympathetic to me, but now it sounds like it was a promise that keeps me from letting go a little, and one that causes further imbalance.  On my word, I will still uphold this promise, I just wonder if you plan on doing the same, or if I will have to wait like this with the possibility that the next time you speak to me, you may already be going out with someone else.  Again, I do not know how you have addressed this issue to yourself, as I'm sure you have.  It would be comforting for me to know what to expect with this one, though I do not require it of you to tell me.  I don't think you should be reading this based on the times you have said that you just do not want to think about me, but if you are reading this, I just wish that you would give me a little hope as to when the end of this will be and let me know how you are doing, how things are going, what still has yet to happen, if there is anything I can help with you other than by doing nothing though I have come to value the art of doing nothing lately.  I am fully confident that I am able to continue my personal growth and spiritual walk with you as my friend.  For me, I may even suffer less distraction than I am now because my side is different than yours in this.  Nevertheless, I will continue to value your side over my own in this because you deserve from me anything that I could give you, even if it is nothing but silence.  For now, I just want to say that I'm happy you're getting this time of undistracted growth, Kelly, and that God is making as much or more out of this dark night in your life as He is in mine.  I was hoping that I would at least be able to see you before you left.  I still have that hope, if you're at all willing to fulfill it, if you think that it would be worth it in any small way for you, but do as you must, and I will understand.

Baby Steps (unfinished)

1.  "The first step of letting go: To remove what obstructs your experience of wholeness and peace, you must first look at the obstruction."

I think I have done this step already, but for sake of unification and explication, I will state it here.  What really is the obstruction in my path that I am trying to get over, through, around, you name it, are a few things that I shall list only in the order of which they first come to mind, not in any sort of importance.  

First, I am upset that there is a rift in my best friends now, the ones that are shared between me and Kelly.  It is making it near impossible to let go via the route of not thinking about her because I am always hearing about her from those closest to me, from Facebook, etc.  

Secondly, I am sad that I have lost my best friend and that no one I talk to know can connect with me and me with her in such a level of depth/assurance/trust/peace all combined.  

Third is the aspect of a romantic relationship, and as I have said before, this is for me easier to let go than the others because by my principles I am now convicted that I am not ready for a romantic relationship because even though it is rapidly forming, my identity is still too malleable for that type of commitment at this stage.  The part that creates something that needs to be gotten over is the fact that a friendship, something which should not be barred because of a malleable identity, is not possible because of a failed romance.  

Fourth, I need to let go of everything I cannot control in this... when, or scarier... if, Kelly comes back to even talk to me again, what it takes to get her to that point, how quickly or deeply she heals from this, etc.  

Fifth is the guilt of all that I have done... the hopelessness it breeds for ever getting better, starting another or restarting a relationship or friendship, that I will ever find someone that I connect to on that level, that my behaviors will ever be acceptable in my own sight or others'.

I have made various progresses with each of the problems listed above, but to mention them is out of the scope of the simple statement of the problems I face.

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2. "The second step of letting go: To go beyond the obstruction, you must be certain that you want to.

In similar order...

1st: I want to have a unified group of friends again, one that can share in all their memories together, one that does not have to divide up their time around each other awkwardly (though specifically apportioning time for individuals is great, this is a different matter, even if subtly).  

2nd: Yes, I did lose my best friend, but if I am not able to give enough of myself and trust others enough to make another best friend (while bearing in mind the reliance upon being in the right place at the right time in order to even find someone that would make a best friend), then I would be deficient as a person and unable to live properly with others.  I cannot limit myself to only one person like that in terms of friendship.  Holding on so close to that friendship and that friendship alone indeed loosed my grip from my others and from my ability to make new friends.  I want to get over this, even at the expense of feeling so much loss at all that I poured into the friendship with Kelly and not being able to see the results of how our time together affects her in the present.

3rd: I want to be beyond this.  Kelly was a wonderful woman and girlfriend to me, but I would limit God's sovereignty to say that I must be with her or nobody else.  I am convinced, however, that she was "the right one," but that our situation was such where it was the "right place, wrong time."  Whether the "right time" comes along or not is irrelevant now, because currently that door is shut, though not locked, and it holds its place with many other doors, windows, hidden trapdoors, or teleporters that God may or may not open at His divine Will.  I need time to develop my preferences, to explore my expectations and solidify them so that I do not confuse or hurt anyone else by constantly moving the target I expect them to hit.

4th: Here is a quote relevant to how I went about trying to make sure my shifting expectations were met: "Putting pressure on others doesn't change their hearts.  It merely engages us in a pointless conflict that splits our mind and muddles our emotions." (LBoLG p 9).  I cannot change another person.  I should not even encourage them or inspire them to change for my own expectations if I am not 100% certain that they are ones that are compatible with the other person.

5th: Guilt neither makes me feel righteous or holy or pious for considering my own sin.  It simply tears me down, causes the ground to cave from under my feet, leaves it's poison in my veins that contagiously drags others down with me as they are helpless to absolve me.  There is no reason for me to have it other than to teach me a lesson.  Once the lesson is learned, that is what I should take with me, and leave the heavy weight of guilt behind.

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3.  "The third step of letting go: To experience your wholeness, you must respond from your whole mind and not from your conflicted mind.

Sailing Away

"Make your state of mind more important than what you are doing." (LBoLG p 7)  This is even deeper than having good principles to back up your actions; it provides a stabilizer for your actions, words, thoughts, and interactions with other people.  If principles are your rudder, and actions the wind in your sails, then having a solid state of mind is your keel.

A Still Mind

"Little else in nature [other than human life] exhibits this need to be more than it is.  The simplicity of rain, the clarity of a star, the effortlessness of a bird, the single-mindedness of an ant--all are just what they are." (LBoLG p 3)  We should now be content with who we are in the present, though we move forward, we cannot try to live as if we already have, and we should be just as content with who and where others in our lives are at in the present...

"When we become preoccupied with what we want or don't want from someone, or what we do or don't approve of, we fail to see that person's goodness, malice, gentleness, sadness, or anything else that is present.  This habitual reaction to other people and to everything else in life needlessly complicates our lives and blocks simple enjoyment and peace." (LBoLG p 4)

"A still mind sees what is here.  A busy mind sees what is not here.  The one who is present is nothing more or less than the one who is present.  Therefore, look at the person who is here.  We can cover that person with whatever thoughts we wish, but that won't get us a different individual."

I'm going to say screw introductions because I can't think of one to possibly map out everything I have to say.  If I can take away titles, then gosh darn it I can leave out an introduction.

Today me, Laura, Rob, Paloma (and later Brian), went on a trip that I planned (though in terms of the execution and real-time planning that took place, the credit is definitely not mine alone).  We all went to the Field Museum and explored Chicago in general, ending the day with a trip to Myopic bookstore, which I had never had the chance of discovering til today.  Details can be spared, as describing the awesomeness will accomplish little if anyone reading has been to the museum already.  What was unique was that I actually was able to plan something.  To get my friends together, find an activity, schedule departures, arrivals, transportation, etc. etc.  and it turned out to be quite the adventure for us all.  It was nothing really that big, more an amalgamation of little pebbles of adventure and exploration-of Chicago, of ancient culture, and of ourselves as friends.  

As many know, I have a problem with comparing myself with just about everything that moves (and not really even limited to that), so I will describe what happened today in such familiar terms, but then I want to go back and readjust how I approach this matter without a standard "comparison."  Today, I finally felt like I was on an equal level with my friends Rob and Laura.  For many of the many years that I've known them, I felt inferior, like a burden in many cases even though I know just how capable of carrying their friends these two individuals are, like I was in some way under them or weaker than them or something worse than them just because I generally have a tendency to my emotions and letting them get out of my own control, because I break down easily when this happens, because I have an issue with a lifetime of guilt that keeps popping up in my life in new manifestations of old behaviors that I never dealt the final blow in the first place of trying to solve such issues.  I felt like, at least for today and I'm hoping and working towards sustaining this state of mind and behavior, I was no longer inferior, but more on an eye-to-eye level with them where I could contribute valuably to the issues they were having today.  Even the fact that there was a point where they did get into an argument, though by no means of the typical nature, this made me realize just how human we all are, and just how not alone I am with my friends.  My friends have never looked down on me, at least that I can recall in my fairly accurate long-term memory, but today I have changed the way that I control myself to think about how I "stack up" in relation to them.  I no longer choose to think that I am a waste of their time in any way, but that I simply just have my own different set of resources to offer, and even then, life and friendship is not about what I have to offer to people.  I could have by arms, legs, and all recognition blown off by a pineapple grenade and I could still be their friend as long as I was still Daniel.  I now know how to value myself for who I am, not what I can do.  Humans measure other humans in terms of performance, efficiency, strength, ability, etc. etc., but there was a reason that God decided to choose His name as represented to all humanity as "I AM."  God does not need to demonstrate His omnipotence or omniscience to still retain His powerful and secure identity as our loving Father and as such be able to love us unconditionally.  Unconditional love can only happen when one person loves another person for who they are when they say "I am..." not "I do... I can..."

For the first time I started crying while working in the lab today, and for the first time, I didn't care if anyone else saw me.  I was completely alone at the time because everyone else was either gone for the summer or doing other stuff not in the lab proper.  I was listening to Together We Will Live Forever on repeat.

Tonight I pack up my apartment and leave for a town called Crystal Lake.  I have no pictures of this apartment.  No one in my family has seen it.  For all they know, it may have never existed.  It is mostly all my own experience that I now bury here in memorial.  It was a decent summer.  I got a lot of work done.  I got a lot of reading done.  I excelled in Kuk Sool, be it increased flexibility, memorizing techniques better and performing them effectively, learning how to teach it to others, heck, learning how to teach at all.  I helped those of my friends that wanted to learn to run by getting them up and going running.  I did what I love to do best and got people to try things for the first time (climbing a tree, going through a graveyard, eating new and interesting foods that I would make).  I learned how to cook better.  I learned how to manage my money more.  I learned how to take care of myself, as much as I can at this stage which is still not much.  I learned how to survive.  I gained skills needed for living the rest of my life.  But the one thing that I did not get this summer was a proper period of rest and relaxation and time to forget about my troubles.  I don't know if I will get one unless I take it for myself, even if that means going alone, which I would really like at this point, but it is more dangerous, less likely for my parents to allow me to do it and take a car for, etc.  I just want some time to empty myself, to be alone with God and myself so that somehow I can find myself, and hopefully find that there is more to me than just this hollowness that has been exposed now that I have lost my shell of false protection and pseudo-security.  I have done a lot this summer and accomplished most of my goals, but I have not had any time to just be.  To merely exist.  I no longer want my accomplishments to rule and define my life, as there must be something beneath them to retain meaning even if I do not accomplish or succeed, something intrinsic... but I don't know what that is yet.  Heck, I don't really even know what I'm looking for because for so long, I have looked only through the lens of results, outcomes, products, and goals achieved.  This is often why I am uncomfortable with silence in many contexts, because I feel like nothing is getting done.  I am through with thinking like this, but I'm not sure what to replace it with exactly.

What else is there to value?  What is intrinsic?  Other people are children of God who deserve respect as such.  We are commanded to love people, and with the new nature that God has given us, we don't even have to question why we do it.  It is instinct to us now. What more is there?  Everyone has qualities about them that will always be there... quirks, mannerisms, principles, dreams, beliefs, passions...  these are what I need to find in myself and others.  Without understanding my own intrinsic value, I will never be able to be a part of a community, friendship, or intimate relationship without reverting to conditional love, because the love for myself upon which the rest of my love is based would be conditional.  It's when someone loves the intrinsic qualities about another person that their love becomes unconditional, and this is what I must learn to do.

The Solitary Shell

I am solitary, and I am a shell.  My accomplishments, and now past relationship were what I built that shell with, to hide the nothing that was below it.  Now that the relationship is gone, I have no more shell... that is to say, I have nothing.  I am empty, but not in the good way that the Taoists try to attain, though I'm probably not far off at this stage, as I am learning how to just exist, empty myself of everything but a calm awareness of God and His creation around me.

The only thing that has worked to bring me to peace and stillness before God has been my meditations.  I find a place that is isolated (enough), quiet (enough), and I sit with my back straight yet relaxed, my head pulled up straight, yet not stiffened, and I let go of everything.  I stare with my eyes open or closed in any direction, it does not matter.  I breathe.  When breathing in, I ask God to fill me with the Holy Spirit.  When breathing out, I expel any evil or wicked thoughts that I had throughout the day or week and instantly replace them with a deep breath in.  There is a rotation of meditative positions I rotate through, from lying down, to sitting up, to placing a focused hand out in front of me, etc., and with each new position I focus on expelling a different thought from my mind and to balance it I breathe in it's opposite.  This is the only release I know that has worked so far, so I will continue to work it into my daily routine and will be self-disciplined to follow through with it, for me, for God, for everyone who ever has to interact with me.

I hope this will continue to bring me to more humility with God and others.  Doing nothing signifies that my actions are not absolutely necessary, nor important enough that I must continue them at all costs.  It places God first above my actions and daily routines and even my own thoughts.  I empty myself for whatever God desires to fill me with.

Be

I do not know how to just be.  I know only to 'do.'  This is how I have always measured myself.  This is what almost drove me once to slice through the epidermis, dermis, trachea, jugulars, and carotids of my own neck at one point many years ago.  I thought I had too much guilt to allow myself to live any longer.  Now I live with tenfold more guilt than I had then.  The sins that almost drove me to suicide then were only against myself, but now they were against an innocent, lovely woman that I hurt, giving me tenfold more reasons in that old paradigm why I should die.  Since then, I no longer think that such a solution would provide any sort of redemption or relief to me or anyone else.  Thank God.

I still measure myself in terms of my accomplishments, not in terms of how God sees me, as I am, not as I do.  To teach me how to think differently, I have started taking for myself and God regular times throughout the day where I stop whatever activity I may be doing at the moment and simply meditate, do nothing, pray, listen, become aware, become unattached, go through my ki breathing techniques.  I have not reached this step yet, but I plan to start seriously observing the Sabbath, and dedicate a day entirely to "doing nothing," meaning, stopping from the work that the world considers to be 'of value' or as an 'accomplishment' and giving the time to God and whatever He wants me to do with him and for myself.  I need to learn how to just be with God, not to do for God as I have tried to do my whole life.  Doing things for God is not enough and it is a fast way to destroy one's concept of unconditional love, replacing it with a ever-raising standard that must be jumped over and over in order to maintain that love.

I need to do this because right now I feel worthless, cold, abandoned, unloved, and leftover.  God is the only One I have left in this moment and maybe really at all.  I am not used to the solitude yet that it will take in order to continue practicing the "Daily Office" of isolating myself in complete silence and stillness, just with God.  I have already gotten over the first big hurdle that I thought would be much bigger in starting this practice, namely, I do not consider these times as a waste of time, to just exist with God.  I do not feel unproductive or that I should be getting something done.  God has shown me that the world will go on spinning on its crooked axis if I am not there to hold it up.  My world will not fall apart if I am not constantly tending to it.  If I want to be like God, then I must imitate what He does.  After God was done with creation, He rested and delighted in His creation.  Likewise, God commands me to rest in the 10 commandments, so I must learn to not only rest, but also to delight in God's creation and the things He has done.