Red Pyramid

I can barely focus enough to get a single sentence in, much less a paragraph, but I'm going to try.

I'm going to try to remember the conversation I had last night, which was something that was quite the epiphany of insight for one of my friends as to why I am so screwed up.  This friend was very confused as to why this failed relationship means so much more to me now than it did when we were still together when back then, she was the one who had to convince me not to break up with Kelly and not to give up on the relationship, etc.  Here is as best as I can describe why all of this is the case...

When Kelly and I were still together, I felt discontent that was accompanied by a sense of guilt.  The discontent was with her, whether it was over her looks or how we didn't have the things in common that I wish we had in common or how I got tired of some of her repeatetive mannerisms even if they were cute because I wanted a romance that was deep rather than something that at most times was just "cute" at best.  This all created a sense of guilt, which formed a positive feedback loop.  The more guilt I felt, the more discontent I became.  The more discontent I became, the more guilt I felt.  I felt guilty for even looking at or talking to other girls.  Whenever we tried swing-dancing, I would not let myself dance with anyone else but her lest I aggravate this loop.  After enough cycles, I gave up on ever really being content and just settled, as much as I could, because I would feel guilty for breaking up with her and trying to find someone else, because I didn't think my reasons were ever good enough to warrant breaking up.  This caused me to feel guilty about going out with her in the first place, because all of this could have been avoided.  This guilt turned to anger, which I took out on Kelly, because I felt trapped.  Trapped by morals that were not my own, imposed by what it would look like to others if I broke up with someone as wonderful as Kelly for the reasons listed above.  Helpless but to wait for her to change to fit what I wanted or for what I wanted to change to fit what she was.  Neither happened.  Now, I am still left with that same incapacitating guilt because it was this downward spiraling cycle that caused the breakup to happen.  I still feel guilt when I'm around girls who are more attractive than Kelly, and it makes it very awkward sometimes, even if I just want to be friends with the person.  I feel like if I wasn't able to sustain a relationship with someone as good as Kelly was, then I don't deserve someone that good.  I am not contradicting myself as it may seem.  There are two axes to take into consideration when I'm talking about Kelly.  One is relative to me, a compatibility scale, all of the things that I would want personally and specific to me.  The other is a general scale of quality of a person, things that are universally appreciable: patience, kindness, gentleness, honesty, compassion, humor, etc.  I could not get over the fact that I had someone who was perfect on the latter scale, yet lacked significantly on the former.  It felt like I had everything I needed and nothing I wanted, meaning I felt like I was morally obligated to be content and sinful for wanting more from someone who was perfect in one way but just not in another.  It is this self-scourging sense of guilt that still binds me to that dead relationship and it is why I drag its mutilated corpse with me everywhere I go.

This all compounded with the fact that she was what gave me something to look forward to in life.  The only thing I am really looking forward to at all anymore is the day when she comes back, which means I'm looking at a day which may never come to pass.  No one and nothing else interests me much at all anymore.  If it isn't boring, it is irritating; if it isn't irritating, it's just another source of stress or hopelessness.  I just don't want to be here anymore.  Failing at a relationship, the one thing that I spent more time in preparing for than anything else in my life, has broken me irreparably.  Failing has become a lot easier to me now.  It's so much simpler just to fail, give up, then learn to let go like I have to learn how to do with this relationship, except now this same process applies to homework, classes, school, extracurriculars, and even friendships.  I have lost the one thing that kept me going and gave me drive: the will to never give up, to stick with something until I die, to persevere until it comes to fruition.  Well, I was given up on, the tables were turned on me and I was not allowed to not give up and hold to it, and now I'm not much better than dead because of it.  Just like the Red Pyramid, I am an undead shade of a cursed nightmare, living in an unreal world misted-over, and hacking away at anyone that even dares come close to this monster.