October 6th.  My first and long overdue psychiatrist appointment.  I am too desperate at this point to be scared of anything they will give me.  I'll still do the research on whatever they give me before I take it, but regardless of any side-effect, it will be better than trying nothing or continuing to try all of the things which have failed or I have been unable to do up to this point.  I no longer have Kelly to help stabilize my mood, which didn't even always work but it drastically helped, so now I will have to find a chemical substitute for what should have been there without her in the first place.  I'm a little afraid of what effect they will have on my various neural plasticities.  I kinda wish I could get to talk to Kelly before the drugs change who I am and she doesn't get to talk to the old me... maybe she doesn't want to anyway, as is probably the case.  I wonder if she'll like the new one any better.  I'm not sure to what degree they will change my personality, but they wouldn't be doing their job if they didn't somewhat.  I don't know what I will turn into.  No one does.  I guess that's part of the adventure, part of the risk.  Goodbye old Daniel, adventurous, risk-taking, passionate, frustrated, depressed, hyperanxious, and a swirling cauldron of every other emotion in the book... I hope I don't get bored with myself or with life after I start these mood stabilizers, assuming that's what they'll give me.  It's probably going to be something along the lines of Equilibrium from what I hear, though obviously not as drastic.  I'm wondering what the next step will be.  Like, what happens when I have to go off the medication?  What if one of the effects of the drug is BDNF build-up, which has been proven to be a molecular component of withdrawal symptoms when the stimulus of BDNF over-expression is removed?  It has been an implicator in withdrawal symptoms in many anti-depressants, but I'm not so sure of generalized mood stabilizers.  Man... I feel like my brain is saying to itself: holy crap, I don't know what the hell I should do either, let's just dump in everything we've got.  I feel like I've run out of stress hormones and am now strung out and going through withdrawal myself.