Well... it appears now that Kelly has blocked me from reading her facebook wall... and notes... and basically everything except for pictures, which are worth far less than 1000 words.  This is not making the loneliness I am in any less intense.  Quite.  The.  Opposite.

Talking to Caitlyn til practically 5am last night helped... but it didn't solve the underlying problem.  Nothing seems to.  I just don't want to be lonely anymore.  I sound pathetic, but that is only because this issue has been stripped of all complexity.  I do not think there is much if anything more that I have to discover about it.  I am simply left with the bare reality.  I'm lonely.  Desperately lonely.  I remember a time in my life when I was alone, and lonely, but I was not desperate.  I was merely curious and fascinated by the idea of having a companion and not being lonely.  I had never partaken, so I was not driven to madness by not having it.  Now is not so similar.  I am no longer hopelessly romantic as I once was.  I am hopeless... and whatever romance there was in me has died.  I'm afraid of even trying to be romantic because I fear that it would combine with my desperation and breed something terrible.  How long... how long... how long...
The only option that I can think of to truly solve this is to replace her.  Unfortunately, I made an ill-founded promise that I would not go out with anyone until she was over me, but at this rate, I'll never know when that is, and I cannot be living still chained to her in this way that is keeping me bound in this loneliness, especially when she never made the same promise back.  She could already have found someone else for all I know.  We've already talked about how "it wouldn't be fair" to the other theoretical person if I were to not "be over Kelly," but to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I will ever be over her completely in every possible sense.  She is still living in my past, and I still have the fresh scars from her, so there is no just getting rid of her or getting "over her."  It is possible to get to the point where I no longer desire her romantically.  Is that what it means to be over someone?  I guess I'm already there then.  Can we all stop this now?  Or do I have to not desire her friendship at all too?  Where is the limit?  To what length must this be taken this before my unintentionally vague promise is fulfilled?  If we were still talking, I would probably take back what I told her at all.  It was meant as a sympathy for her, but I did not consider the anchor that it would hang upon me.  I did not consider that it would be a chain of hopelessness binding me still to her.  This chain needs to be broken.