I love it when things click in my mind and finally begin to make sense... except when it sucks.

I just figured out through some form of passive neural computation that the reason that I tend to push away my friends or whenever I distance myself from them, it is because deep down, I want more than friendship, I want companionship, and with that deeper desire masked by the also present desire for friendship, the friendship becomes unfulfilling, and hence I move away from it.  The other alternative is that I start acting as if I am in a companionship, which only leads to hurtful buildup of unspoken desires and wishes.  So far, it's been mostly the former.  I fall in love then with my guitar, or with my adventures, or with my martial artistry.