I figured it out.  No... I should stop saying that.  I'm not sure I will ever really figure out every lesson there was to be learned or every problem that went wrong with me and Kelly, but I did solve another huge one today.  The reason that I have lost so much of a sense of meaning in my life, or fulfillment, or joy, etc. is because I do not give of myself to anyone anymore, or at least not nearly as much, as deeply.  It's why I have been feeling so alone, even when I have all these friends who are willing to pour into me and help me.  Because I have no one that I can pour into.  I used to make her laugh, to comfort her (I hope at least sometimes), to talk her through her problems with her parents, or do what I could to help her with her life direction.  We shared our frustrations, we motivated each other to go forward, to be the best each of us could be.  Now I don't have that.  Now I am a leech of a friend, in mostly commensalist relationships at best, at least that's what my perception tells me, which often has a fairly high standard deviation from what is correct.  Sure, there are some times when I make my friends laugh, and maybe even help them with their problems if I can wrench it out of them, and show them that I am there for them, but is this worth the frustration I put them through?  One out of one girlfriends answer "no."  I feel like I've stopped helping anyone else, that I've stopped giving of myself to anyone, that I am only here for my own survival, and that before I was even aware of it, my own body is telling me that this type of life is not worth the work of keeping my heart beating and by lungs breathing to sustain.  This is why my life feels so incomplete without you, Kelly, because I don't have anyone that I want to live for other than myself anymore.  This is why I have no drive, no motivation, and why my energy level is shot and I can only sleep all the time, because I know that this life is worthless without someone that I can pour into and give of myself... there's no point to it.  I hope that you come back so I can make you smile again.  That's what I need.  Someone I can give joy to.  Someone I can make happy.  Until then, I cannot be happy.  Simple.  As.  That.