Often times I feel like I cannot start writing because there is simply too much for me to say at any one time.  Other times, since there is so much to say, I cannot afford to not write.  This one of those latter times.  No particular order, I'm just going to go with this one...

Kelly left for college for the first time a couple days ago.  She's meeting new people, playing frisbee, exploring the campus, and finding a place to call home for the next two years.  It's exciting to see this process vicariously.  I really hope that she is journaling these moments so that I will be able to see what she is thinking right now, what she is experiencing, feeling, living.

Not being able to see her before she left has actually helped my letting go a lot more than I thought it would.  I still think about her, obviously, which will not change for probably several years, decades, who knows, but I feel a lot more free now about just letting her have her own life and am content to sit on the very distant sidelines and imagine what it must be like.

I am scared too.  Afraid that now that she's meeting all of these new people, she will find someone that she is attracted too and/or vice versa.  It is unclear to me whether she will allow herself to date someone else before she starts talking to me again, and I am afraid of what might happen under those uncertain conditions.  Nevertheless, I am acceptant.  I am, however, afraid of the shame I would face if she does find someone that treats her a lot better than I did.  It's kind of a silly fear, because if that was the case, then it would be a lot better for her... heh, I guess it's just my competitiveness coming out.  That's something else I'll have to let go of.

I think I'm almost at the point where I can envision myself with someone other than Kelly.  Not saying that I am anywhere close to finding anyone else, but even getting close to detaching myself to the point where I would be acceptant of someone else is some major progress for me.  I wonder where Kelly is at with this.

We passed very close to Beloit, WI on our trip to Michigan.  I wanted to stop by there on the drive back so at least everyone else in the car could visit Kelly.  I would have been content just to sit in the car, invisible, just so I could know that she would be happy by seeing everyone else that was with me.  That didn't come to pass though, even though I brought the idea up to Laura.

Well, I think I'm done for now with putting my fears to pixelated rest.  I hope you're meeting a lot of new and awesome people up there, Kelly.  I know college is going to be a blast for you.  Make every moment count, not that you ever had any problems doing that.