Too Late Now...?

I don't expect that you are still even reading this blog, so please do not think that I am trying to communicate to you.  I would think that you would communicate with me first or even talking to our friends before going and reading this.  As such, I'm sorry, but you read this at your own risk.  I do not mean to disrespect you if you do continue to read further, as it is not meant for you, even though addressed to you.

I was so close... so close to failing again... so close to trying to break free of the rightful punishment that I have garnered for myself.  But I didn't.  I did the right thing... or rather, didn't do the wrong thing.  I wanted it so desperately that I was just about to take it for myself... I know now that I'm not going to get it... even though I hold onto my last shred of hope that she will talk to me before leaving... I guess there is still time... but what then... When will "all the things we said needed to be done apart from each other." be done?  What even are all these things?  It is unclear to me what I am waiting for exactly.  "you will have to lose her in order to gain something better, and for her to gain, as well. I know you said this would destroy you, but maybe that's what God wants so He can build you up stronger than before." How much "gain" is it that you need before this is over?  This has destroyed me, and God is building me up stronger than before... but how much stronger do I need to be?  Is any of this even dependent upon me whatsoever?  "I hope to come to you only when I am ready." What will it take for you to be ready?  "we shall speak again when things have gotten better." How much better?  There will always be scars... there may always be some measure of pain even.  Where is the threshold?  How are you going to decide?  Will we still be able to be best friends when you come back?  Will you be able to share with me/catch up on all of the precious moments that I am missing in your life?  Your last day at work at the library, your adventure to Niagara Falls, your anticipation, excitement, and fear of going away from your home that you've lived at for your entire life, your seeing your brother and father both leave your house and being left so alone compared to what you have had most of your life, your first experience being away at college, meeting your first roommate and living with her, dorm living and all that comes with it, the entire process of whatever it is you're doing right now: trying to get over me, healing, growing in your own relationship with God... Will we be able to talk about all of the things that I'm learning and only wish I could talk to you alone about them because I know that you're the only one who shows so much interest of all of my friends, things about dinosaurs and paleontology, geology, all of what I'm reading about in Emotionally Healthy Spirituality... Will we ever get to share our art with each other, now that I have finally found a type of graphic art that I love too with stained-glass... I hope you like the loon... Hope you don't mind, but I had to borrow some of your glass to make the most prominent feature, it's ominously glowing red eye.  You always loved loons... I always loved birds, of most every sort, but I had a special affinity for wetland birds, gulls, loons, mallards, puffins...

I really wish I could at least know how you're handling everything.  I'm not sure exactly what I would gain from it though, but must I always be after something to gain?  Cannot some things just be done, just to be done?  Not so much existentially, but more in the sense that I am trying to move away from being so preoccupied with making an accomplishment out of all things I do, and that I must do them efficiently, well, and with utmost intent every time.  No, I need to learn to do without becoming a slave to doing.

As for myself, I am growing, even in the midst of the pain of not having you around.  I can't say that I've let go of our friendship, because that's something I'm not totally convinced that I have to let go of completely, not to mention 'letting go' is an arbitrary term, and what I'm using it as may not exactly be what you think it is.  I can live without it, but I would not prefer to do so.  I guess that means I have let it go in some sense.  I'm not trying to get to the point where I don't want it anymore or where it is the farthest thing from my mind, because that would be letting go too much I think.  I am striving to find the balance, and I am wondering what it is that you are striving for.  Not thinking about you is not exactly as much of an option for me, because of how much I hear about you through friends, facebook, etc.  I don't know if you've been better able to block me out, or how much that has helped you, etc.  All I know is that I need to find another way of dealing, because I'm different than you, and though I cannot put a name to it right now, I have found ways of coping that work, if only temporarily, because thoughts of you do always keep coming back, and I don't expect that it is necessary for them to leave before you do come back.  Thoughts are thoughts, they do not govern me, quite the contrary.  Even in writing them down now, I am showing that I am ruler of my own thoughts, and they do my bidding.

I just wanted to say that I'm so happy for you... I recently was bitterly jealous against you, but talking with close friends, and hearing a piercing message from Pastor Tim, and hearing the same message from God during my times of meditative prayer, all these have caused a paradigm shift in me.  I realized that there is no way that I would have ever been able to be happy if i do not know how to put aside myself and delight in the joy of others.  Learning to do this has been so freeing...  I still get the slight pangs of jealousy, but after a short repentance, they go away and no longer rule me as they did before.  I'm happy that you have so many good Christian friends to support you and get you through this hellish time that I have caused you and I to go through.  I'm glad that you finally get to get away from your stressful situation at home and "start over" as it was, at Beloit.  I am still scared that you will find someone to "replace" me, especially after I promised you that I would not go out with anyone until you were over me, and especially because I did not hear you make any such promise to me, and this has been eating at my mind lately, because at the time it sounded sympathetic to me, but now it sounds like it was a promise that keeps me from letting go a little, and one that causes further imbalance.  On my word, I will still uphold this promise, I just wonder if you plan on doing the same, or if I will have to wait like this with the possibility that the next time you speak to me, you may already be going out with someone else.  Again, I do not know how you have addressed this issue to yourself, as I'm sure you have.  It would be comforting for me to know what to expect with this one, though I do not require it of you to tell me.  I don't think you should be reading this based on the times you have said that you just do not want to think about me, but if you are reading this, I just wish that you would give me a little hope as to when the end of this will be and let me know how you are doing, how things are going, what still has yet to happen, if there is anything I can help with you other than by doing nothing though I have come to value the art of doing nothing lately.  I am fully confident that I am able to continue my personal growth and spiritual walk with you as my friend.  For me, I may even suffer less distraction than I am now because my side is different than yours in this.  Nevertheless, I will continue to value your side over my own in this because you deserve from me anything that I could give you, even if it is nothing but silence.  For now, I just want to say that I'm happy you're getting this time of undistracted growth, Kelly, and that God is making as much or more out of this dark night in your life as He is in mine.  I was hoping that I would at least be able to see you before you left.  I still have that hope, if you're at all willing to fulfill it, if you think that it would be worth it in any small way for you, but do as you must, and I will understand.