Will everyone please just leave me the hell alone.

There's nothing new to say, nothing special that sets this off, this is just how I am, and this is just how things are going to be for "a while".  This is not something that talking about can help.  I already talked about it, and believe me when I say that that's all I have to say about it.  The best thing that you can do is to learn that there is nothing you can do and learn to accept that and then do nothing.

Forgot to post last night, so I'll write this morning instead.
"A guy can make a girl's night just by asking her to dance. Really, boys. Go for it." -KSH
Well, at least somebody is doing what I could never really get into.  I've tried dancing before, and for the few times that it has been an enjoyable experience, sure I thought it was great... but at what cost?  Dancing causes me the same frustration as playing guitar and sucking miserably, except at least with guitar I know what I'm doing most of the time, I know how to improve, and it's a form of art that I connect with on all levels, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually even.  I never could get the hang of dancing.  It's just not me... I mean, what I do in martial arts is very similar to dancing, but it's a solo act, one with a lot more freedom than dancing which is bound by the shackles of proper timing and a set rhythm, which I do not control but must follow like a slave and which is always there to remind me when I get out of line, off-tempo, or mess up and cannot find an entry point back into the song.  Now it's been over 2 years since I've started practing martial arts, and I have gained a lot more control over by muscles, appendages, internal energy, and mind, yet I still do not think that dancing is something that suits me... at least not the kind that everyone insists upon me, i.e., swing i.e., something light and jubilant and nothing serious, just a lot of fluff and flashy show-offishness in my opinion.  There's no soul in it, nothing epic, nothing grand and nothing deeply romantic at all.  Not for me.  Maybe I could learn some different type of dancing that is more fitting toward the identity I have chosen/realized for myself, maybe something more like a ballroom setting, but not the stuffy, overly formal kind.  I know from performing the Hyung of Kuk Sool that I deeply enjoy moving gracefully and controlled and flowing like a Chinese dragon, but thus far, I have not found a style within the realm of dancing that even comes close to the grace, power, and comprehensive unity of oneself that I find in the martial arts.  Pity... because the one thing that dancing seems to have that martial arts lack is being able to share with a partner, and so I plunge further into my isolation.  Maybe I was never meant to have a companion at all... maybe I'm just confusing myself... it doesn't seem like I do any better no matter if I'm with someone or if I'm alone, so how do I tell which is the right option... or am I back to the same place I was before, where apparently, God will bless either path I choose, I simply must choose one... well... I know what I want, but I don't know if it wants me.  I don't know if companionship is compatible with me at all.  I hope it is... I don't know what I'm saying anymore.  I need to go.  Crying doesn't work well when trying to spar against other people which is what I have to do shortly.  It blinds you, and then the only thing you can see is a blurred fist coming for your already stinging eyes.

Sick of typing, but I told myself I would start doing this... so here I am.

My right hand feels like it has carpel-tunnel syndrome from how much I've been typing... which is pretty much all day at class because it's how I take notes, and much of the day at work, the combination of which is 9-5 every weekday.

Had a relapse today... or was it yesterday?  Two days ago?  I don't know, it started when I found out that Laura was going to stop talking to Frank for a while.  It gave me flashbacks which started on re-run in my mind.  It's been about 3 1/2 months so far, maybe a little more.  I guess it's getting easier, though my friends seem to think that a platonic friend has an attraction toward me which is in absolutely no way mutual if it does indeed exist.  Why the heck is it that people start falling for you if you just want to be their close friend?  I guess this doesn't happen to me all that often... because I don't really get that close to too many people.  I never knew how to make the first move in a friendship... or relationship for that matter.  Consequently, I just wait around hoping someone will make me their friend because I don't know how to start a friendship.  Heck, I can barely reciprocate if other people even want to start a friendship sometimes.

There's a little bug that keeps scurrying across my screen.

Man, do I feel like crap.  I haven't cooked a legitimate meal this week other than some egg-in-the-nests for breakfast.  Not enough sleep... people keep partying next door and they're REALLY LOUD.  Some chick came by and asked to borrow our spatula so she could make tortillas yesterday and she still hasn't brought it back.

Some guy came up to me in the Quad Shop today because he saw my Harper lanyard, and apparently he went there and also attended Willow Creek for some time.  We started talking church, and he went to the Vineyard church in Evanston.  I told him I went to the Vineyard in Crystal Lake, blah blah blah, anyway it ended in him asking if he could pray for me for no particular reason, so we went outside on some stone bench in front of where I worked (class just got out, so there were a lot of people walking by), and he put his hand on my shoulder and started praying out loud for me.  This is something that I would think Mr. Ritchie would do, and he has done it before, but with him I felt comforted and encouraged.  With this guy, I felt scared, threatened even.  It was not a good experience for me I think.  I walked away confused and all.  I haven't been touched meaningfully in a long time, and I guess I'm just not used to it anymore.  My parents don't really hug me unless I'm about to leave them for a few months, and even then it seems like it's just protocol to them. Laura said "I love you" in parting some time I think a week or so ago, and I didn't know what to think.  It's been so long since I've heard someone really say that at all, let alone mean it.  I miss being able to say "I love you" to someone and really mean it without the other person getting all weird or not knowing what I really mean.  I'm crying now... Guess I should have seen this coming.  Here it comes... le deluge.

I miss you, Kelly.  I hope you're ready to come back sometime soon.  I'd really like to hear about how college is treating you and all, what with your 21st birthday coming up and all ;)  Have you made any new friends yet?  What are the people up there like?  How is your roommate?

I'm supposed to be going to a lab party hosted at my professor's house, and she told everyone to invite their significant others, just about killed me, as Holden Caulfield would probably say.  I just finished Catcher in the Rye for the first time.  It gave me something to kinda relate to... not sure if that's good or not.  Good book, though no real beginning and no real end.  It just happened.  In the book, Holden has this ex-girlfriend named Sally Hayes... irony... not funny God... not funny.  Ugh... I guess it's time to go.  I have to get up and drive and shoot shotguns tomorrow and hopefully actually hit the targets.  Nowhere left to run for refuge.  No geographical place on this earth left.

See you when you get back... whenever that is...

Pensar antes de Dormir

Tonight begins my trial of a self-experiment that I would like to begin of taking time to blog before I go to sleep (now that I FINALLY have internet back in my place of living).  I hope that this will begin to order my thoughts while I sleep so that I can start to master my mind more thoroughly.  A plus to this will be giving my brain problems to solve with its unconscious computing that goes on during sleep.  This is my time to cool down from the day if it has been stressful, or overly stimulating, or anything that it needs to reorient itself before recharging for the night so that sleep can be maximally restful and so my mind could be more perfectly organized, efficient, and in general, free from the cognitive dissonance that so often befalls me.

Not much on the mind right now other than the awesome StarCraft II game that I just played for the first time with Rob after buying it today.  I am locked in anticipation of my awesome weekend where I get to learn how to shoot a shotgun for the first time with the Trap and Skeet Club.  Also, I'm going to meet a bunch more people at the paintball club's first match of the academic year.  I'm noticing a correlation in all of the activities I'm choosing lately:

StarCraft, a real-time strategy game
Trap shooting
Martial Arts
Paintball...

It's like my inner warrior is tearing his way out of the built-of-cowardice cage that so long held him bound.  Granted, there are much bigger foes and challenges to face than that which a warrior faces on in terrestrial theaters, but the principles are the same.  War, whether outer or inner, is for the individual a time in which he must act often upon instinct and intuition alone.  He needs to be able to trust himself with himself by himself, yet additionally be able to lead and support his comrades, being conscious of their weaknesses, strengths, fears, amount of courage.  Awareness is key, an almost omnipresent consciousness that makes every in-the-moment detail relevant.  To become fully aware, one must first purge themselves of any distraction, or attachment as the Buddhist's would term it, any impurity of thought must be smelted out, any mental shackles broken.  The mind must first become void to then be filled with only that which is desired, just as a pitcher is useless unless first being an empty vessel.

So Laura finally decided to "take a break" from Frank.  Interesting timing with this one.  I wonder what Kelly advised in this situation, though I heard a little of what she said.  I hope she can be there to help reaffirm Laura that this was the right decision so that her guilt would not weigh on her and in so doing destroy the good she might receive from taking this leap of faith.

They still can write letters to each other, which may provide an adequate bottle-neck on their communication, but the fact that even one line of communication is still open I think will not sufficiently silence their thoughts toward each other.  Laura did make a good point though in that this is a baby step... maybe more like a baby leap... in the right direction and that if she wouldn't have taken this possibly intermediary step, then she may have not done anything at all.  Either way, the question is not whether this will be good for both of them, it is simply a question of degree.  I hope I can do my part to share with her also what I have learned from separating myself from another person whose presence I was addicted to and how I was able to let go of it and finally move on.  Granted, Laura's and my goals are different in our own respective situations, but the means to attain those goals are similar enough where I think this will be a good time for us to really help each other out (as we have already started doing).

I'm not so sure how Frank will take this chronically.  Obviously it was a great shock initially, and he is someone who is very good at masking his emotions/state of well/unwell-being.  I'll continue doing what I can to be his friend and at least take his mind off this, which probably won't work, but fulfillment of duty supersedes acquisition of results in this case.

Often times I feel like I cannot start writing because there is simply too much for me to say at any one time.  Other times, since there is so much to say, I cannot afford to not write.  This one of those latter times.  No particular order, I'm just going to go with this one...

Kelly left for college for the first time a couple days ago.  She's meeting new people, playing frisbee, exploring the campus, and finding a place to call home for the next two years.  It's exciting to see this process vicariously.  I really hope that she is journaling these moments so that I will be able to see what she is thinking right now, what she is experiencing, feeling, living.

Not being able to see her before she left has actually helped my letting go a lot more than I thought it would.  I still think about her, obviously, which will not change for probably several years, decades, who knows, but I feel a lot more free now about just letting her have her own life and am content to sit on the very distant sidelines and imagine what it must be like.

I am scared too.  Afraid that now that she's meeting all of these new people, she will find someone that she is attracted too and/or vice versa.  It is unclear to me whether she will allow herself to date someone else before she starts talking to me again, and I am afraid of what might happen under those uncertain conditions.  Nevertheless, I am acceptant.  I am, however, afraid of the shame I would face if she does find someone that treats her a lot better than I did.  It's kind of a silly fear, because if that was the case, then it would be a lot better for her... heh, I guess it's just my competitiveness coming out.  That's something else I'll have to let go of.

I think I'm almost at the point where I can envision myself with someone other than Kelly.  Not saying that I am anywhere close to finding anyone else, but even getting close to detaching myself to the point where I would be acceptant of someone else is some major progress for me.  I wonder where Kelly is at with this.

We passed very close to Beloit, WI on our trip to Michigan.  I wanted to stop by there on the drive back so at least everyone else in the car could visit Kelly.  I would have been content just to sit in the car, invisible, just so I could know that she would be happy by seeing everyone else that was with me.  That didn't come to pass though, even though I brought the idea up to Laura.

Well, I think I'm done for now with putting my fears to pixelated rest.  I hope you're meeting a lot of new and awesome people up there, Kelly.  I know college is going to be a blast for you.  Make every moment count, not that you ever had any problems doing that.

So long, and thanks for all the Rice Krispies.

Too Late Now...?

I don't expect that you are still even reading this blog, so please do not think that I am trying to communicate to you.  I would think that you would communicate with me first or even talking to our friends before going and reading this.  As such, I'm sorry, but you read this at your own risk.  I do not mean to disrespect you if you do continue to read further, as it is not meant for you, even though addressed to you.

I was so close... so close to failing again... so close to trying to break free of the rightful punishment that I have garnered for myself.  But I didn't.  I did the right thing... or rather, didn't do the wrong thing.  I wanted it so desperately that I was just about to take it for myself... I know now that I'm not going to get it... even though I hold onto my last shred of hope that she will talk to me before leaving... I guess there is still time... but what then... When will "all the things we said needed to be done apart from each other." be done?  What even are all these things?  It is unclear to me what I am waiting for exactly.  "you will have to lose her in order to gain something better, and for her to gain, as well. I know you said this would destroy you, but maybe that's what God wants so He can build you up stronger than before." How much "gain" is it that you need before this is over?  This has destroyed me, and God is building me up stronger than before... but how much stronger do I need to be?  Is any of this even dependent upon me whatsoever?  "I hope to come to you only when I am ready." What will it take for you to be ready?  "we shall speak again when things have gotten better." How much better?  There will always be scars... there may always be some measure of pain even.  Where is the threshold?  How are you going to decide?  Will we still be able to be best friends when you come back?  Will you be able to share with me/catch up on all of the precious moments that I am missing in your life?  Your last day at work at the library, your adventure to Niagara Falls, your anticipation, excitement, and fear of going away from your home that you've lived at for your entire life, your seeing your brother and father both leave your house and being left so alone compared to what you have had most of your life, your first experience being away at college, meeting your first roommate and living with her, dorm living and all that comes with it, the entire process of whatever it is you're doing right now: trying to get over me, healing, growing in your own relationship with God... Will we be able to talk about all of the things that I'm learning and only wish I could talk to you alone about them because I know that you're the only one who shows so much interest of all of my friends, things about dinosaurs and paleontology, geology, all of what I'm reading about in Emotionally Healthy Spirituality... Will we ever get to share our art with each other, now that I have finally found a type of graphic art that I love too with stained-glass... I hope you like the loon... Hope you don't mind, but I had to borrow some of your glass to make the most prominent feature, it's ominously glowing red eye.  You always loved loons... I always loved birds, of most every sort, but I had a special affinity for wetland birds, gulls, loons, mallards, puffins...

I really wish I could at least know how you're handling everything.  I'm not sure exactly what I would gain from it though, but must I always be after something to gain?  Cannot some things just be done, just to be done?  Not so much existentially, but more in the sense that I am trying to move away from being so preoccupied with making an accomplishment out of all things I do, and that I must do them efficiently, well, and with utmost intent every time.  No, I need to learn to do without becoming a slave to doing.

As for myself, I am growing, even in the midst of the pain of not having you around.  I can't say that I've let go of our friendship, because that's something I'm not totally convinced that I have to let go of completely, not to mention 'letting go' is an arbitrary term, and what I'm using it as may not exactly be what you think it is.  I can live without it, but I would not prefer to do so.  I guess that means I have let it go in some sense.  I'm not trying to get to the point where I don't want it anymore or where it is the farthest thing from my mind, because that would be letting go too much I think.  I am striving to find the balance, and I am wondering what it is that you are striving for.  Not thinking about you is not exactly as much of an option for me, because of how much I hear about you through friends, facebook, etc.  I don't know if you've been better able to block me out, or how much that has helped you, etc.  All I know is that I need to find another way of dealing, because I'm different than you, and though I cannot put a name to it right now, I have found ways of coping that work, if only temporarily, because thoughts of you do always keep coming back, and I don't expect that it is necessary for them to leave before you do come back.  Thoughts are thoughts, they do not govern me, quite the contrary.  Even in writing them down now, I am showing that I am ruler of my own thoughts, and they do my bidding.

I just wanted to say that I'm so happy for you... I recently was bitterly jealous against you, but talking with close friends, and hearing a piercing message from Pastor Tim, and hearing the same message from God during my times of meditative prayer, all these have caused a paradigm shift in me.  I realized that there is no way that I would have ever been able to be happy if i do not know how to put aside myself and delight in the joy of others.  Learning to do this has been so freeing...  I still get the slight pangs of jealousy, but after a short repentance, they go away and no longer rule me as they did before.  I'm happy that you have so many good Christian friends to support you and get you through this hellish time that I have caused you and I to go through.  I'm glad that you finally get to get away from your stressful situation at home and "start over" as it was, at Beloit.  I am still scared that you will find someone to "replace" me, especially after I promised you that I would not go out with anyone until you were over me, and especially because I did not hear you make any such promise to me, and this has been eating at my mind lately, because at the time it sounded sympathetic to me, but now it sounds like it was a promise that keeps me from letting go a little, and one that causes further imbalance.  On my word, I will still uphold this promise, I just wonder if you plan on doing the same, or if I will have to wait like this with the possibility that the next time you speak to me, you may already be going out with someone else.  Again, I do not know how you have addressed this issue to yourself, as I'm sure you have.  It would be comforting for me to know what to expect with this one, though I do not require it of you to tell me.  I don't think you should be reading this based on the times you have said that you just do not want to think about me, but if you are reading this, I just wish that you would give me a little hope as to when the end of this will be and let me know how you are doing, how things are going, what still has yet to happen, if there is anything I can help with you other than by doing nothing though I have come to value the art of doing nothing lately.  I am fully confident that I am able to continue my personal growth and spiritual walk with you as my friend.  For me, I may even suffer less distraction than I am now because my side is different than yours in this.  Nevertheless, I will continue to value your side over my own in this because you deserve from me anything that I could give you, even if it is nothing but silence.  For now, I just want to say that I'm happy you're getting this time of undistracted growth, Kelly, and that God is making as much or more out of this dark night in your life as He is in mine.  I was hoping that I would at least be able to see you before you left.  I still have that hope, if you're at all willing to fulfill it, if you think that it would be worth it in any small way for you, but do as you must, and I will understand.

Baby Steps (unfinished)

1.  "The first step of letting go: To remove what obstructs your experience of wholeness and peace, you must first look at the obstruction."

I think I have done this step already, but for sake of unification and explication, I will state it here.  What really is the obstruction in my path that I am trying to get over, through, around, you name it, are a few things that I shall list only in the order of which they first come to mind, not in any sort of importance.  

First, I am upset that there is a rift in my best friends now, the ones that are shared between me and Kelly.  It is making it near impossible to let go via the route of not thinking about her because I am always hearing about her from those closest to me, from Facebook, etc.  

Secondly, I am sad that I have lost my best friend and that no one I talk to know can connect with me and me with her in such a level of depth/assurance/trust/peace all combined.  

Third is the aspect of a romantic relationship, and as I have said before, this is for me easier to let go than the others because by my principles I am now convicted that I am not ready for a romantic relationship because even though it is rapidly forming, my identity is still too malleable for that type of commitment at this stage.  The part that creates something that needs to be gotten over is the fact that a friendship, something which should not be barred because of a malleable identity, is not possible because of a failed romance.  

Fourth, I need to let go of everything I cannot control in this... when, or scarier... if, Kelly comes back to even talk to me again, what it takes to get her to that point, how quickly or deeply she heals from this, etc.  

Fifth is the guilt of all that I have done... the hopelessness it breeds for ever getting better, starting another or restarting a relationship or friendship, that I will ever find someone that I connect to on that level, that my behaviors will ever be acceptable in my own sight or others'.

I have made various progresses with each of the problems listed above, but to mention them is out of the scope of the simple statement of the problems I face.

----------

2. "The second step of letting go: To go beyond the obstruction, you must be certain that you want to.

In similar order...

1st: I want to have a unified group of friends again, one that can share in all their memories together, one that does not have to divide up their time around each other awkwardly (though specifically apportioning time for individuals is great, this is a different matter, even if subtly).  

2nd: Yes, I did lose my best friend, but if I am not able to give enough of myself and trust others enough to make another best friend (while bearing in mind the reliance upon being in the right place at the right time in order to even find someone that would make a best friend), then I would be deficient as a person and unable to live properly with others.  I cannot limit myself to only one person like that in terms of friendship.  Holding on so close to that friendship and that friendship alone indeed loosed my grip from my others and from my ability to make new friends.  I want to get over this, even at the expense of feeling so much loss at all that I poured into the friendship with Kelly and not being able to see the results of how our time together affects her in the present.

3rd: I want to be beyond this.  Kelly was a wonderful woman and girlfriend to me, but I would limit God's sovereignty to say that I must be with her or nobody else.  I am convinced, however, that she was "the right one," but that our situation was such where it was the "right place, wrong time."  Whether the "right time" comes along or not is irrelevant now, because currently that door is shut, though not locked, and it holds its place with many other doors, windows, hidden trapdoors, or teleporters that God may or may not open at His divine Will.  I need time to develop my preferences, to explore my expectations and solidify them so that I do not confuse or hurt anyone else by constantly moving the target I expect them to hit.

4th: Here is a quote relevant to how I went about trying to make sure my shifting expectations were met: "Putting pressure on others doesn't change their hearts.  It merely engages us in a pointless conflict that splits our mind and muddles our emotions." (LBoLG p 9).  I cannot change another person.  I should not even encourage them or inspire them to change for my own expectations if I am not 100% certain that they are ones that are compatible with the other person.

5th: Guilt neither makes me feel righteous or holy or pious for considering my own sin.  It simply tears me down, causes the ground to cave from under my feet, leaves it's poison in my veins that contagiously drags others down with me as they are helpless to absolve me.  There is no reason for me to have it other than to teach me a lesson.  Once the lesson is learned, that is what I should take with me, and leave the heavy weight of guilt behind.

----------------

3.  "The third step of letting go: To experience your wholeness, you must respond from your whole mind and not from your conflicted mind.

Sailing Away

"Make your state of mind more important than what you are doing." (LBoLG p 7)  This is even deeper than having good principles to back up your actions; it provides a stabilizer for your actions, words, thoughts, and interactions with other people.  If principles are your rudder, and actions the wind in your sails, then having a solid state of mind is your keel.

A Still Mind

"Little else in nature [other than human life] exhibits this need to be more than it is.  The simplicity of rain, the clarity of a star, the effortlessness of a bird, the single-mindedness of an ant--all are just what they are." (LBoLG p 3)  We should now be content with who we are in the present, though we move forward, we cannot try to live as if we already have, and we should be just as content with who and where others in our lives are at in the present...

"When we become preoccupied with what we want or don't want from someone, or what we do or don't approve of, we fail to see that person's goodness, malice, gentleness, sadness, or anything else that is present.  This habitual reaction to other people and to everything else in life needlessly complicates our lives and blocks simple enjoyment and peace." (LBoLG p 4)

"A still mind sees what is here.  A busy mind sees what is not here.  The one who is present is nothing more or less than the one who is present.  Therefore, look at the person who is here.  We can cover that person with whatever thoughts we wish, but that won't get us a different individual."

I'm going to say screw introductions because I can't think of one to possibly map out everything I have to say.  If I can take away titles, then gosh darn it I can leave out an introduction.

Today me, Laura, Rob, Paloma (and later Brian), went on a trip that I planned (though in terms of the execution and real-time planning that took place, the credit is definitely not mine alone).  We all went to the Field Museum and explored Chicago in general, ending the day with a trip to Myopic bookstore, which I had never had the chance of discovering til today.  Details can be spared, as describing the awesomeness will accomplish little if anyone reading has been to the museum already.  What was unique was that I actually was able to plan something.  To get my friends together, find an activity, schedule departures, arrivals, transportation, etc. etc.  and it turned out to be quite the adventure for us all.  It was nothing really that big, more an amalgamation of little pebbles of adventure and exploration-of Chicago, of ancient culture, and of ourselves as friends.  

As many know, I have a problem with comparing myself with just about everything that moves (and not really even limited to that), so I will describe what happened today in such familiar terms, but then I want to go back and readjust how I approach this matter without a standard "comparison."  Today, I finally felt like I was on an equal level with my friends Rob and Laura.  For many of the many years that I've known them, I felt inferior, like a burden in many cases even though I know just how capable of carrying their friends these two individuals are, like I was in some way under them or weaker than them or something worse than them just because I generally have a tendency to my emotions and letting them get out of my own control, because I break down easily when this happens, because I have an issue with a lifetime of guilt that keeps popping up in my life in new manifestations of old behaviors that I never dealt the final blow in the first place of trying to solve such issues.  I felt like, at least for today and I'm hoping and working towards sustaining this state of mind and behavior, I was no longer inferior, but more on an eye-to-eye level with them where I could contribute valuably to the issues they were having today.  Even the fact that there was a point where they did get into an argument, though by no means of the typical nature, this made me realize just how human we all are, and just how not alone I am with my friends.  My friends have never looked down on me, at least that I can recall in my fairly accurate long-term memory, but today I have changed the way that I control myself to think about how I "stack up" in relation to them.  I no longer choose to think that I am a waste of their time in any way, but that I simply just have my own different set of resources to offer, and even then, life and friendship is not about what I have to offer to people.  I could have by arms, legs, and all recognition blown off by a pineapple grenade and I could still be their friend as long as I was still Daniel.  I now know how to value myself for who I am, not what I can do.  Humans measure other humans in terms of performance, efficiency, strength, ability, etc. etc., but there was a reason that God decided to choose His name as represented to all humanity as "I AM."  God does not need to demonstrate His omnipotence or omniscience to still retain His powerful and secure identity as our loving Father and as such be able to love us unconditionally.  Unconditional love can only happen when one person loves another person for who they are when they say "I am..." not "I do... I can..."

For the first time I started crying while working in the lab today, and for the first time, I didn't care if anyone else saw me.  I was completely alone at the time because everyone else was either gone for the summer or doing other stuff not in the lab proper.  I was listening to Together We Will Live Forever on repeat.

Tonight I pack up my apartment and leave for a town called Crystal Lake.  I have no pictures of this apartment.  No one in my family has seen it.  For all they know, it may have never existed.  It is mostly all my own experience that I now bury here in memorial.  It was a decent summer.  I got a lot of work done.  I got a lot of reading done.  I excelled in Kuk Sool, be it increased flexibility, memorizing techniques better and performing them effectively, learning how to teach it to others, heck, learning how to teach at all.  I helped those of my friends that wanted to learn to run by getting them up and going running.  I did what I love to do best and got people to try things for the first time (climbing a tree, going through a graveyard, eating new and interesting foods that I would make).  I learned how to cook better.  I learned how to manage my money more.  I learned how to take care of myself, as much as I can at this stage which is still not much.  I learned how to survive.  I gained skills needed for living the rest of my life.  But the one thing that I did not get this summer was a proper period of rest and relaxation and time to forget about my troubles.  I don't know if I will get one unless I take it for myself, even if that means going alone, which I would really like at this point, but it is more dangerous, less likely for my parents to allow me to do it and take a car for, etc.  I just want some time to empty myself, to be alone with God and myself so that somehow I can find myself, and hopefully find that there is more to me than just this hollowness that has been exposed now that I have lost my shell of false protection and pseudo-security.  I have done a lot this summer and accomplished most of my goals, but I have not had any time to just be.  To merely exist.  I no longer want my accomplishments to rule and define my life, as there must be something beneath them to retain meaning even if I do not accomplish or succeed, something intrinsic... but I don't know what that is yet.  Heck, I don't really even know what I'm looking for because for so long, I have looked only through the lens of results, outcomes, products, and goals achieved.  This is often why I am uncomfortable with silence in many contexts, because I feel like nothing is getting done.  I am through with thinking like this, but I'm not sure what to replace it with exactly.

What else is there to value?  What is intrinsic?  Other people are children of God who deserve respect as such.  We are commanded to love people, and with the new nature that God has given us, we don't even have to question why we do it.  It is instinct to us now. What more is there?  Everyone has qualities about them that will always be there... quirks, mannerisms, principles, dreams, beliefs, passions...  these are what I need to find in myself and others.  Without understanding my own intrinsic value, I will never be able to be a part of a community, friendship, or intimate relationship without reverting to conditional love, because the love for myself upon which the rest of my love is based would be conditional.  It's when someone loves the intrinsic qualities about another person that their love becomes unconditional, and this is what I must learn to do.

The Solitary Shell

I am solitary, and I am a shell.  My accomplishments, and now past relationship were what I built that shell with, to hide the nothing that was below it.  Now that the relationship is gone, I have no more shell... that is to say, I have nothing.  I am empty, but not in the good way that the Taoists try to attain, though I'm probably not far off at this stage, as I am learning how to just exist, empty myself of everything but a calm awareness of God and His creation around me.

The only thing that has worked to bring me to peace and stillness before God has been my meditations.  I find a place that is isolated (enough), quiet (enough), and I sit with my back straight yet relaxed, my head pulled up straight, yet not stiffened, and I let go of everything.  I stare with my eyes open or closed in any direction, it does not matter.  I breathe.  When breathing in, I ask God to fill me with the Holy Spirit.  When breathing out, I expel any evil or wicked thoughts that I had throughout the day or week and instantly replace them with a deep breath in.  There is a rotation of meditative positions I rotate through, from lying down, to sitting up, to placing a focused hand out in front of me, etc., and with each new position I focus on expelling a different thought from my mind and to balance it I breathe in it's opposite.  This is the only release I know that has worked so far, so I will continue to work it into my daily routine and will be self-disciplined to follow through with it, for me, for God, for everyone who ever has to interact with me.

I hope this will continue to bring me to more humility with God and others.  Doing nothing signifies that my actions are not absolutely necessary, nor important enough that I must continue them at all costs.  It places God first above my actions and daily routines and even my own thoughts.  I empty myself for whatever God desires to fill me with.

Be

I do not know how to just be.  I know only to 'do.'  This is how I have always measured myself.  This is what almost drove me once to slice through the epidermis, dermis, trachea, jugulars, and carotids of my own neck at one point many years ago.  I thought I had too much guilt to allow myself to live any longer.  Now I live with tenfold more guilt than I had then.  The sins that almost drove me to suicide then were only against myself, but now they were against an innocent, lovely woman that I hurt, giving me tenfold more reasons in that old paradigm why I should die.  Since then, I no longer think that such a solution would provide any sort of redemption or relief to me or anyone else.  Thank God.

I still measure myself in terms of my accomplishments, not in terms of how God sees me, as I am, not as I do.  To teach me how to think differently, I have started taking for myself and God regular times throughout the day where I stop whatever activity I may be doing at the moment and simply meditate, do nothing, pray, listen, become aware, become unattached, go through my ki breathing techniques.  I have not reached this step yet, but I plan to start seriously observing the Sabbath, and dedicate a day entirely to "doing nothing," meaning, stopping from the work that the world considers to be 'of value' or as an 'accomplishment' and giving the time to God and whatever He wants me to do with him and for myself.  I need to learn how to just be with God, not to do for God as I have tried to do my whole life.  Doing things for God is not enough and it is a fast way to destroy one's concept of unconditional love, replacing it with a ever-raising standard that must be jumped over and over in order to maintain that love.

I need to do this because right now I feel worthless, cold, abandoned, unloved, and leftover.  God is the only One I have left in this moment and maybe really at all.  I am not used to the solitude yet that it will take in order to continue practicing the "Daily Office" of isolating myself in complete silence and stillness, just with God.  I have already gotten over the first big hurdle that I thought would be much bigger in starting this practice, namely, I do not consider these times as a waste of time, to just exist with God.  I do not feel unproductive or that I should be getting something done.  God has shown me that the world will go on spinning on its crooked axis if I am not there to hold it up.  My world will not fall apart if I am not constantly tending to it.  If I want to be like God, then I must imitate what He does.  After God was done with creation, He rested and delighted in His creation.  Likewise, God commands me to rest in the 10 commandments, so I must learn to not only rest, but also to delight in God's creation and the things He has done.

I am leaving, I am leaving, but the Fighter still remains...

*crying... again... 3rd time today...*
There is only one person on this earth that can comfort me right now.  She's off having the time of her life somewhere that is not here.  All I can do is bawl into my pillow that is still covered in the pillowcase she made me and listen to the Billy Joel CDs she gave me.  I'm afraid to fall asleep because I only know I'm just going to dream about her again like I have for the last I lost track of how many nights.  If you are not going through the same pain and aggravations that I am, please let me know how you have managed to avoid them/get through them.

Couldn't save you from the start
Love you so it hurts my soul
Can you forgive me for trying again
your silence makes me hold my breath
All time has passed you by

for so long I've tried to shield you from the world
you couldn't face the freedom on your own
Here I am
left in silence

You gave up the fight
you left me behind
all that stands forgiven
You'll always be mine I know deep inside
all that stands forgiven

Watch the cloud drifting away
Still the sun can't warm my face
I know it was destined to go wrong
You were looking for the great escape
to chase your demons away

for so long I've tried to shield you from the world
you couldn't face the freedom on your own
Here I am
left in silence

You gave up the fight
you left me behind
all that stands forgiven
You'll always be mine I know deep inside
all that stands forgiven

I've been so lost since you've gone
why not me before you
why did fate deceive me

Everything turned out so wrong
Why did you leave me in silence

My sloth of a roommate is out for a walk after again doing nothing all day.  The only person that I now label with the respectful title of "friend" down here is studying for finals tomorrow.  I am alone and lonely.  Had an enlightening day which was spent almost entirely in the library reading Emotionally Healthy Spirituality.  Learned a lot, started trying to put some of it to practice, which worked then, but now I'm here again.  Need more practice.

I utterly failed at even making dinner tonight.  I tried grilling turkey burgers and ended up wasting all of it because it either fell through the grill or didn't cook because the coals didn't catch.  I had to duck out of work on an early lunch break and never ended up coming back because I started crying in frustration after texting a few friends back and forth.

No one to talk to but this blog that I'm not even sure who is reading.

How many more tears do I need to shed?  How many more times do I have to break down?  How many more stabs in my abdomen and heart throughout the day must I endure?  When will this all end?  I feel cursed.

The book I'm reading calls this time in my life the Dark Night of the Soul.  Every word of this book fit with my symptoms and case verbatim.  Literally the only hope I have right now is in what this book promises will come from enduring this Night.  There is much more I want to share from this book eventually.  If you are not familiar with what I'm talking about and am going to be quoting, read Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Chapter 6: Journey through the wall:

"Judas's 'stuckness' [in his going through his own Wall] eventually resulted in him quitting Christ altogether, resulting in perhaps history's saddest account of a wasted opportunity!"
Those who are stuck "fail to see the larger picture of the transforming work God seeks to do in them at their Wall.  The disorientation and pain of their present circumstances blinds them.  And they feel unsuccessful in finding other companions for such a journey."

Symptoms of going through the Wall:

1. we question ourselves, God and the church
2. we discover for the first time that our faith does not appear to 'work'
3. we have more questions than answers as the very foundation of our faith feels like it is on the line
4. we don't know where God is, what he is doing, where he is going, how he is getting us there, or when this will be over
5. we see very little visible fruit in our lives

"When we make it through the Wall, we no longer have a need to be well known or successful, but to do God's will... We have learned, like the apostle Paul, "the secret of being content in any and every situation" (Philippians 4:12)  We have become, finally, our true selves in Christ."

The Wall is there to purge us from 7 deadly spiritual imperfections:

1. Pride: having a tendency to condemn others and become impatient with their faults; being very selective in who can teach you.
2. avarice: discontent with the spirituality God gives; never having enough learning, one constantly reads many books rather than growing in poverty of spirit and interior life.
3. luxury: taking more pleasure in the spiritual blessings of God than God himself
4. wrath: easily irritated, lacking sweetness, having little patience to wait on God
5. spiritual gluttony: resisting the cross and choosing pleasures instead
6. envy: feeling unhappy when others do well spiritually.  Always comparing.
7. sloth: running from that which is hard.  Aimed only at good feelings.

"Though it is important to pay attention to our feelings in order to know God, the Wall protects us from worshiping them."

"God powerfully invades us when we persevere patiently through this suffering.  Our great temptation is to quit or go backwards, but if we remain still, listening for his voice, God will insert something of Himself into our character that will mark the rest of our journey with Him."  --> this statement and those that relate back to it are the only reason I have not given up yet completely.  Because now I have a promise, a reward, an incentive, for getting out of this alive and not ending it all.

"How long will it last?

- It may be months.  More probably, it may be a year or two... or more.  Sorry, I know this is not what you want to read.  Ultimately God chooses the length and level of intensity.  He has a unique purpose for each of us, knowing how much there is to cleanse out of our inner being, and how much he wants to infuse of himself into us for his greater, long-term purpose.  Our Father knows how much we can handle."

"How and when God takes us through is up to Him.  We make choices to trust God, to wait on God, to obey God, to stick with God, to remain faithful when everything in us wants to quit and run.  But it is his slow, deep work of transformation in us, not ours."

"Going through the Wall breaks something deep within us--that driving, grasping, fearful self-will that must produce, that must make something happen, that must get it done for God (just in case he doesn't).  

Greater detachment is to be desired:

"The critical issue on the journey with God is not "Am I happy?" but "Am I free?  Am I growing in the freedom God gave me?"...We are to live our lives as the rest of the world--marrying, experiencing sorrow and joy, buying things and using them--but always with awareness that these things in themselves are not our lives.  We are marked by eternity, free from the dominating power of things."

"I rarely realize how attached I am to something until God removes it... God: No, you don't need that.  You need me!"  When we put our claws into something and we don't want to take them out, we are beyond enjoying them.  We now MUST have them.  The Wall, more than anything else, cuts off our attachments to who we think we ought to be, or who we falsely think we are.  Layers of our counterfeit self are shed.  Something truer, that is Christ in and through us, slowly emerges."

This book is giving me yet another good road map to follow in this time of what is supposed to be growth, but I guess I'm still germinating because I cannot even see a sapling popping up from the rocky bottom I've hit.  

If I tell you
Will you listen
Will you stay
Will you be here forever
Never go away

Never thought things will change
Hold me tight
Please don't say again
That you have to go

A bitter thought
I had it all
But I just let it go
Hold your silence
It's so violent
Since you're gone

All my thoughts are with you forever
Until the day we'll be back together
I will be waiting for you

If I had told you
You would have listened
You'd had stayed
You would be here forever
Never went away

It would never have been the same
All our time
Would have been in vain
Cause you had to go

The sweetest thought
I had it all
Cause I did let you go
All our moments
Keep me warm
When you're gone

All my thoughts are with you forever
Until the day we'll be back together
I will be waiting for you 

We were driving at night on Rt. 14, coming back from U of I, directly after Kuk Sool practice I remember because my wrist was sore.  She asked if she could see by hand to try massaging my wrist and make it feel better.  It worked.

Next scene, we were at Wal-Mart shopping for things for her trip to Niagra Falls (she was looking for a calling card for whatever reason).  She was a lot more self-confident, and it was obvious that she had changed some things about herself to prove that, a streak of hair was dyed pink (which is one of the only things that reminds me that this must have been a dream), she had a small nose ring, and she was more assertive of her personality.  These things shocked me at first, but I didn't mind and was acceptant.  Our level of conversation reminded me of all of the reasons why we became friends in the first place, it was so easy to talk to her about absolutely everything, even after getting over such a tragedy.  Then I woke up.

The dreams keep getting more and more lucid.  I would say they keep getting more frequent, but they're already at the point where I have them every night or about every other night.  Her presence feels more and more real in each one, which, needless to say, is not making this any easier.  I really hope she finds herself on this Niagra Falls trip she's taking.  I want to do something similar for myself, but I want to make it a trip that she would not be jealous of, as I am now.  I want to do things that she would not like to do but that I have been dying to do, like jetskiing or wakeboarding or skydiving or learning how to hunt/fish from start to finish.  Above all, I want to find a connection to myself, God (in interchangable order or simultaneously because understanding each is so crucial to the other), and others.  I want to make my own story, build my own memories, powerful, lasting ones that will dilute the memories of my old self/relationship with those of the new Dan, the one that God is calling me to be.

I just don't know exactly where I want to go.  I know it has to be somewhere new where there have not been any memories written before so I can have a tabula rasa to work with.  Somewhere far away, somewhere epic.  The only thing I can think of in my limited creativity and limited knowledge of geography that would fit (that isn't Niagra Falls) would be the Grand Canyon, or the volcanoes of Hawaii, or the Rockies in Colorado.  I know I want to do most of the driving, because after my first experience driving more than an hour and a half (3 hr. drive to Tinley Park to see Iron Maiden and Dream Theater), I realized that I love driving long distances.  It gives me so much time to think, it's a rush driving that quickly and dodging in and out of traffic, it gives me more of an excuse to be quiet and just focus on the simple task ahead of me to clear my mind, and it comes with the plus of having authority over the radio/CD player.  Note to self: start making a soundtrack to listen to for the drive (yes this is putting the carriage before the horse, but I don't want to forget).

A psychologist once told me that the constructive way to deal with anger is through assertiveness, meaning in this context to make sure that one's own needs are met without showing aggression and that one's personality is defined and embedded.  This is why I must plan this trip for myself, to assert that I indeed have needs and that I must meet them.  I do not think that this trip would be planned if not for me.  I don't know whose idea it was to plan the Nigra Falls trip, but I know that nothing like that, or nothing at all, was planned for me.  This does make me angry, and I am not going to hide that emotion, but I am choosing to deal with it in the most constructive manner that I see right now, not by bottling it up or waiting for it to explode in a self-pity bomb against my friends, but by being assertive and making sure that my needs are met and that I'm taking care of myself, independently.  Not to mention, this is going to be a great accomplishment for me if I can plan something this big, which is why I want it to be something big.  All this time I've been limited by the sore lack of creativity of my family when it came to vacation.  All in all in my life, we have gone to the Black Hills, simply because my dad was familiar with it because he had family there, Yellowstone because my dad grew up in Wyoming, and the Wisconsin Dells because it was a closest option.  There was the one camping trip, but that was more of an experiment than a vacation, since no one in my family really got a break from anything (maybe me and John, but only because we were at a separate campground with our own friends).  My family has never done something where they've really had to go out of the way and stretch themselves on a vacation.  They've always chose to stick with the familiar, the comfortable, the boring.  While this may be great for them, since I guess comfort is something that they would want on a vacation (even though they seldom show that they are comfortable during such times or that they're even being rested/relaxed), this type of vacation is missing many key ingredients that need to be there to make it meaningful to me.  I crave adventure, exploration, which requires newness.  One cannot explore with the possibility of getting themselves lost if they already know the area and have been there before and seen everything there is to see.  I want to make it a journey, one which I can collapse afterwards feeling that I have earned my comfort and rest.  I want to take pictures and encapsulate the memories that I make, so I can share them with my other friends, so I can write about them, and collect them and keep them forever.  I want to make something that lasts.