Day 2

Status:
hand still dry/dehydrated from two week exposure to acid-based medication. Lichenification present but not worsening. Visible progress in convalescence.

Status:
Sensation of guilt that does not lead to destruction back intact. Details shall be spared. How can such an awful feeling be so comforting? Because I know it means that I still have a salvageable conscience, without which conviction... would not happen... Hmm... I think I just discovered the mechanism through which my convictions ability to convict was lost. Repeated desensitization of the conscience's power to morally direct in one area via repeated failure/giving in then destroys its ability in general, overall, so that even if one has strong beliefs, or even a nice secure framework to put them in, it all becomes ineffectual for doing its main job: guiding the actions of oneself from that to which his own lust compels him to that which God has revealed as what is good. Maybe this makes common sense to those reading, but the specific instance in which I have found this out is quite novel and has given me an outlook that I hope will provide some extra motivation in some particular areas.

I can only hope right now that it is as hard for Kelly to endure the silence as it is for me. Sorry to wish such grievous pain on you, but maybe you can get as much out of this time as I am. It feels like I am being purged in a fire.
Song of the day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6QE4EJrIFc (note, I didn't watch the video for this, just using it for the audio).

Frat stuff is starting to look up a little bit now that I realize I'm not quite hopelessly behind in catching up, but it will take a lot of work, and worse, a lot of meeting people. However, forcing myself to be social was one of the main reasons I did this in the first place, so I guess I need to teach myself to start looking forward to it. Maybe once I'm done jumping through all their hoops I will start to see the meaning a little more clearly. Speaking of which, I needed to access Facebook for an emergency to contact one of my pledge parents because I didn't have any other way to contact him. I don't consider this a failure because I didn't linger for much longer than I really needed to.

Second song of the day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhzJO34SCoc&NR=1
My own ghost is haunting me, but I cannot let these fears build up inside me.

Here is another part of this directed more so directly to Kelly:
Today I have focused my thoughts on what you said about how I don't try to understand what you say and how I replied that some times I am looking for a particular answer to a very particular question. You know how I was telling you about how I went about selling with Cutco? How I had to read people and figure out things about them based on their input that, sometimes thing that are so implicit that not even the client knows them yet, but I have to. Well, this takes a lot of perception on my part, as well as getting trashing whatever expectations I have of my own that I want them to say. For some reason, I have not been employing this approach which served me so well in the workplace to our relationship. Forgive me. Before, I lied to myself and said that I was just not perceptive, but I know that I can be, especially when counseling other friends. I guess I just need to actually use the gift of perception that was given to me (it's like what you said earlier about me having the gift but only having partially unwrapped it). Other times, I am simply being plain difficult, like a little kid who wants to have his way so bad, and even when he gets it, he's still mad and has no idea what to do with it.

I think this is enough for today. I miss you Kelly... I hope you're reading this, but I doubt it. I'm still wrestling with whether I should tell you to read this or not. I don't think that would be considered much communication as it is notification. I think I will send you a very simple text message alerting you to the fact that I am writing on here and that I would like you to read it, but I ask that you hold your comments until we next talk in person. I do this because I want to give you some time to prepare your thoughts before we actually talk rather than dumping all of this on you at the last second during our conversation.

One last thing: I love you...