Song for the day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yt-IBJpEMzA
Day 1...
Condition: any sign of fungus removed. New symptoms of dermatitis emerging and having spread double the diameter of the original infection (5 cm in diameter).
Treatment: Applied new steroid-based cream to previously thought fungal infection (which according to my logic, the new dermatitis may have been directly caused by the acid-based cream medication prescribed for the fungus). Side effect: acute stinging in isolated patches of application. Expected result: complete functional healing within 7-10 days of treatment, longer to clear up scarring.
Day 1...
Condition: on the brink of losing the following: motivation/care/conviction, faith (which of these is lost first and causes the loss of the other is uncertain), my relationship with my girlfriend, from this my sanity, and finally the only thing which I think I am good at, working. What will be left of me if this chain of events continues, outcome uncertain but definitely critical.
Complications: lack of honesty with myself; honesty being replaced with self-delusion. Living not for myself but for others... still...
Treatment: starting experimental procedure-suspend doubts and questioning of my faith until gaining further understanding of myself. Must complete tasks that I declare verbally.
Temporary measures: taking a several day silence with Kelly (including not going on Facebook) in order to promote quietness of mind;
Reflection:
This is the most in my life that I have ever been terrified into extreme caution. Every letter I type is filled with trepidation lest I say something that will have an ill effect. It makes writing this really hard, but I think it will help if I try.
It's really hard not talking to Kelly, even though I know that I will within less than a week. I don't know how I would be able to make it much longer than that without communicating to her in some way. But I know that I need to learn how to communicate with myself before I can talk to her about myself.
Observation: imagining the potential of losing Kelly is drastically more noticeably affecting me than falling to where I have in my relationship with God. Why is this? I've been considering what my relationship with Him has consisted of over the years. There's never been much excitement that was prolonged for more than a fire-filled weekend church retreat or some other instance like that. For the most part, I don't feel excitement from God. In this order from greatest to least, what I get from our relationship is this: understanding of the world around me (at least from 6th grade to 11th or 12th grade) and the peace that comes from that, guilt/the version of conviction that is more closely related to guilt, thankfulness, sense of purpose in being in this world, understanding of a code of ethics, a quiet joy, every now and then the ability to interact with other people and show His love visibly. Things that I see are missing, some of which I'm not sure are necessary: excitement (though just two seconds ago after finally getting a really big breakthrough with understanding the book of Jonah, I did get pretty excited inside, though I was in a library so I couldn't visibly express it too much. This has been the first excitement that I've felt in a long time... I can't even say when the last time was in particular though I do remember times longer ago), consistency (either it's really up or its really down or its really numb/lifeless). Certain degrees of closeness... it's kind of hard to describe for this one... like, oftentimes either I feel God is distant, or I just don't know what to make of His presence which makes Him feel distant though He's not. More to add to this list later.
The idea of Kelly forgetting our past is about as disturbing as if I were to be put into the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I can't give up. I will not give up. I am better than this and I know it. God alone can stop me. Though I must be cautious, because this is my 9th life.
I don't think that my friends can help me with these problems. This is my battle. I may be wrong in this, but I'm trying to keep things as simple as possible right now and isolate this problem. Sorry guys... I wish you could help, but now is not the time. Maybe it will be once I'm going back in the positive direction. Until then, I imagine I will still be ashamed to even speak to most of my friends. It's already hard enough looking at myself in a physical mirror... how much harder looking into a spiritual/intellectual/mental mirror.
End of line.
P.S.: note to Kelly if you end up reading this, though I will probably reiterate when I talk to you next. It seems like a small point, but I am actually really excited, in the baffled sense, that you learned Dvorak. That really impresses me, especially that you were able to keep it a secret until now (I could never do that). I didn't make much of it when you told me on the phone because it came completely out of left field and I was not expecting it at all (typically when this happens, I don't react with much of anything because I haven't prepped myself to react in a given way). But, unfortunately, with that said, as soon as I get Windows 7, I intend to learn something called Colemak, which I would recommend learning if you're still at all used to QWERTY because it's designed to be a lot easier to learn for qwerty users, and I think it's actually better than Dvorak. There are a lot of politics over the issue of which is best, but this one came out a lot more recently than did Dvorak and I think it has some decent research backing it up. I will probably miss Dvorak after relearning this new one, especially since it is not nearly as well supported on computers yet (you would have to download it and install it rather than just switching it in control panel). But anyway, this is completely off-topic, but now that I've written it, I don't feel like erasing it. Sorry for letting 2:00 AM rambling get out of hand. I don't count this direct communication if you end up reading this, so I guess I can say whatever. You have no idea how many times I wanted to call you today or even just text you something small, but your words and my convictions about actually doing what I have spoken are ringing in my ears. I have successfully spent one day without Facebook on that note, and it has been a freeing experience, during which time I really wanted to mindlessly check people's ever-changing stati, I decided to write this and be a little bit more productive.
My apologies if this entire blag post doesn't fit coherently together; it was written in spurts throughout the day, and it was a long, long day. But with that said, I love you Kelly... and even the thought of me not being able to say that with the same meaning or effect tears me apart. Nevertheless, there is an interesting motivation that has been fueling me today... I've never felt anything like it before. Normally when you would say something to me like what you did, I would be crippled and paralyzed with fear, and then maybe lash out in confusion as often happens. I guess I consciously and subconsciously realize that I cannot do that anymore, otherwise terrible consequences will follow like they should have every other time. Instead of this building up of destructive fear, it's almost like I have been endowed with some type of survival mechanism, at least that's what it feels like. Like I have to watch my every move with utter caution and constantly walk circumspectly. It's making me a lot more conscious and aware and... well... convicted. It has been so long since I have said no to something (in this case, something so small as going on Facebook or texting you when I said I wouldn't) simply because it's wrong and I feel so strongly that it's wrong over and against my great desire to do it. It's like the light side is finally driving back the dark again. Baby steps... everyone's gotta learn to start small with something if they want to accomplish something great. Anyway, I miss you right now... I miss the security of knowing absolutely that you will still want me back when I talk to you next, but I admit and confess that I have put myself here and only I can perform the actions to get myself out. With that said, I cannot wait to speak with you and share all that has been happening, though so far it's only been one day. Oh yea... one other thing to add to the pile of reasons why I am never going to give up with this (whichever 'this' it may be): I just heard today that, yet another, relationship "destined to succeed" has crashed and burned. RIP, the relationship of Stephen Ladner and Rachel Woodall. More motivation to be the exception. More strength to march forward. Kelly... I miss you
2 comments:
I hope that the motivation was more than about keeping me. There is a fine line that I wonder about myself, if I care more about you than I do about God.
I hope I didn't say that I would forget our past together, Dan. Even if we broke up I wouldn't just forget. But in trying to decide if we have a happy future together, I would have to realize that the past happiness we've shared is gone - in the past. It cannot be a basis for chosing to stay in the midst of present problems. (Or, the problems that were in the present at the time you wrote the blog.)
By the way, thank you for not sending even a little text. It showed restraint and respect.
The same question has been asked of me (I think by Laura, she would more likely than anyone), namely whether I love you more than I do God. It's a multi-faceted question, because ultimately when trying to love you more than God, that love corrupts itself in some way, whether it means that I try to love you by trying to be like you and not have anything to myself, be it hobbies or beliefs or whatever, or whether it is simply having too much of something good (after reading Exodus recently, I am reminded of the story of the manna, where if the israelites took more than God allowed them to and saved it for the next day as security, it would rot and breed maggots the next day (ultimately because they would not be trusting God that way). It's a similar issue, where if I want so much of you so that I don't have to be afraid of losing you, then I am no longer trusting in God to keep our relationship going, and ultimately this leads to problems like wanting too much from you, or letting things get out of hand physically, etc. ) <- REALLY long parenthetical.
I'm not sure I understand this fully even yet, probably because it's just horrifying to think about. Give it some time, it may make sense after a while.
It was hard... really hard. and I'm very glad that it was, because it reminded me that I cared about you that much and that I had changed from that one weekend (I think the first one that I came down here for the year), that I didn't communicate with you for a few days and was not that affected by ignoring you (in looking back on that, it seems like an impossibility... I don't know how it could have happened, and I still don't know exactly how, but I know what led up to it, and that's enough to know how to prevent it).
Anyway, enough for now. I just want to wrap you up in my arms right now and keep you warm from this cold weather... Maybe in a couple weeks this shall be the case. Until then; I hope that you and God are at least a little bit closer today than yesterday, let me know how things go with that.
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