We were driving at night on Rt. 14, coming back from U of I, directly after Kuk Sool practice I remember because my wrist was sore.  She asked if she could see by hand to try massaging my wrist and make it feel better.  It worked.

Next scene, we were at Wal-Mart shopping for things for her trip to Niagra Falls (she was looking for a calling card for whatever reason).  She was a lot more self-confident, and it was obvious that she had changed some things about herself to prove that, a streak of hair was dyed pink (which is one of the only things that reminds me that this must have been a dream), she had a small nose ring, and she was more assertive of her personality.  These things shocked me at first, but I didn't mind and was acceptant.  Our level of conversation reminded me of all of the reasons why we became friends in the first place, it was so easy to talk to her about absolutely everything, even after getting over such a tragedy.  Then I woke up.

The dreams keep getting more and more lucid.  I would say they keep getting more frequent, but they're already at the point where I have them every night or about every other night.  Her presence feels more and more real in each one, which, needless to say, is not making this any easier.  I really hope she finds herself on this Niagra Falls trip she's taking.  I want to do something similar for myself, but I want to make it a trip that she would not be jealous of, as I am now.  I want to do things that she would not like to do but that I have been dying to do, like jetskiing or wakeboarding or skydiving or learning how to hunt/fish from start to finish.  Above all, I want to find a connection to myself, God (in interchangable order or simultaneously because understanding each is so crucial to the other), and others.  I want to make my own story, build my own memories, powerful, lasting ones that will dilute the memories of my old self/relationship with those of the new Dan, the one that God is calling me to be.

I just don't know exactly where I want to go.  I know it has to be somewhere new where there have not been any memories written before so I can have a tabula rasa to work with.  Somewhere far away, somewhere epic.  The only thing I can think of in my limited creativity and limited knowledge of geography that would fit (that isn't Niagra Falls) would be the Grand Canyon, or the volcanoes of Hawaii, or the Rockies in Colorado.  I know I want to do most of the driving, because after my first experience driving more than an hour and a half (3 hr. drive to Tinley Park to see Iron Maiden and Dream Theater), I realized that I love driving long distances.  It gives me so much time to think, it's a rush driving that quickly and dodging in and out of traffic, it gives me more of an excuse to be quiet and just focus on the simple task ahead of me to clear my mind, and it comes with the plus of having authority over the radio/CD player.  Note to self: start making a soundtrack to listen to for the drive (yes this is putting the carriage before the horse, but I don't want to forget).

A psychologist once told me that the constructive way to deal with anger is through assertiveness, meaning in this context to make sure that one's own needs are met without showing aggression and that one's personality is defined and embedded.  This is why I must plan this trip for myself, to assert that I indeed have needs and that I must meet them.  I do not think that this trip would be planned if not for me.  I don't know whose idea it was to plan the Nigra Falls trip, but I know that nothing like that, or nothing at all, was planned for me.  This does make me angry, and I am not going to hide that emotion, but I am choosing to deal with it in the most constructive manner that I see right now, not by bottling it up or waiting for it to explode in a self-pity bomb against my friends, but by being assertive and making sure that my needs are met and that I'm taking care of myself, independently.  Not to mention, this is going to be a great accomplishment for me if I can plan something this big, which is why I want it to be something big.  All this time I've been limited by the sore lack of creativity of my family when it came to vacation.  All in all in my life, we have gone to the Black Hills, simply because my dad was familiar with it because he had family there, Yellowstone because my dad grew up in Wyoming, and the Wisconsin Dells because it was a closest option.  There was the one camping trip, but that was more of an experiment than a vacation, since no one in my family really got a break from anything (maybe me and John, but only because we were at a separate campground with our own friends).  My family has never done something where they've really had to go out of the way and stretch themselves on a vacation.  They've always chose to stick with the familiar, the comfortable, the boring.  While this may be great for them, since I guess comfort is something that they would want on a vacation (even though they seldom show that they are comfortable during such times or that they're even being rested/relaxed), this type of vacation is missing many key ingredients that need to be there to make it meaningful to me.  I crave adventure, exploration, which requires newness.  One cannot explore with the possibility of getting themselves lost if they already know the area and have been there before and seen everything there is to see.  I want to make it a journey, one which I can collapse afterwards feeling that I have earned my comfort and rest.  I want to take pictures and encapsulate the memories that I make, so I can share them with my other friends, so I can write about them, and collect them and keep them forever.  I want to make something that lasts.