1. "The first step of letting go: To remove what obstructs your experience of wholeness and peace, you must first look at the obstruction."
I think I have done this step already, but for sake of unification and explication, I will state it here. What really is the obstruction in my path that I am trying to get over, through, around, you name it, are a few things that I shall list only in the order of which they first come to mind, not in any sort of importance.
First, I am upset that there is a rift in my best friends now, the ones that are shared between me and Kelly. It is making it near impossible to let go via the route of not thinking about her because I am always hearing about her from those closest to me, from Facebook, etc.
Secondly, I am sad that I have lost my best friend and that no one I talk to know can connect with me and me with her in such a level of depth/assurance/trust/peace all combined.
Third is the aspect of a romantic relationship, and as I have said before, this is for me easier to let go than the others because by my principles I am now convicted that I am not ready for a romantic relationship because even though it is rapidly forming, my identity is still too malleable for that type of commitment at this stage. The part that creates something that needs to be gotten over is the fact that a friendship, something which should not be barred because of a malleable identity, is not possible because of a failed romance.
Fourth, I need to let go of everything I cannot control in this... when, or scarier... if, Kelly comes back to even talk to me again, what it takes to get her to that point, how quickly or deeply she heals from this, etc.
Fifth is the guilt of all that I have done... the hopelessness it breeds for ever getting better, starting another or restarting a relationship or friendship, that I will ever find someone that I connect to on that level, that my behaviors will ever be acceptable in my own sight or others'.
I have made various progresses with each of the problems listed above, but to mention them is out of the scope of the simple statement of the problems I face.
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2. "The second step of letting go: To go beyond the obstruction, you must be certain that you want to.
In similar order...
1st: I want to have a unified group of friends again, one that can share in all their memories together, one that does not have to divide up their time around each other awkwardly (though specifically apportioning time for individuals is great, this is a different matter, even if subtly).
2nd: Yes, I did lose my best friend, but if I am not able to give enough of myself and trust others enough to make another best friend (while bearing in mind the reliance upon being in the right place at the right time in order to even find someone that would make a best friend), then I would be deficient as a person and unable to live properly with others. I cannot limit myself to only one person like that in terms of friendship. Holding on so close to that friendship and that friendship alone indeed loosed my grip from my others and from my ability to make new friends. I want to get over this, even at the expense of feeling so much loss at all that I poured into the friendship with Kelly and not being able to see the results of how our time together affects her in the present.
3rd: I want to be beyond this. Kelly was a wonderful woman and girlfriend to me, but I would limit God's sovereignty to say that I must be with her or nobody else. I am convinced, however, that she was "the right one," but that our situation was such where it was the "right place, wrong time." Whether the "right time" comes along or not is irrelevant now, because currently that door is shut, though not locked, and it holds its place with many other doors, windows, hidden trapdoors, or teleporters that God may or may not open at His divine Will. I need time to develop my preferences, to explore my expectations and solidify them so that I do not confuse or hurt anyone else by constantly moving the target I expect them to hit.
4th: Here is a quote relevant to how I went about trying to make sure my shifting expectations were met: "Putting pressure on others doesn't change their hearts. It merely engages us in a pointless conflict that splits our mind and muddles our emotions." (LBoLG p 9). I cannot change another person. I should not even encourage them or inspire them to change for my own expectations if I am not 100% certain that they are ones that are compatible with the other person.
5th: Guilt neither makes me feel righteous or holy or pious for considering my own sin. It simply tears me down, causes the ground to cave from under my feet, leaves it's poison in my veins that contagiously drags others down with me as they are helpless to absolve me. There is no reason for me to have it other than to teach me a lesson. Once the lesson is learned, that is what I should take with me, and leave the heavy weight of guilt behind.
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3. "The third step of letting go: To experience your wholeness, you must respond from your whole mind and not from your conflicted mind.
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