I love it when things click in my mind and finally begin to make sense... except when it sucks.
I just figured out through some form of passive neural computation that the reason that I tend to push away my friends or whenever I distance myself from them, it is because deep down, I want more than friendship, I want companionship, and with that deeper desire masked by the also present desire for friendship, the friendship becomes unfulfilling, and hence I move away from it. The other alternative is that I start acting as if I am in a companionship, which only leads to hurtful buildup of unspoken desires and wishes. So far, it's been mostly the former. I fall in love then with my guitar, or with my adventures, or with my martial artistry.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
This is such a lame time for me to be writing, but I have to.
1, I just got a new Das keyboard and I have to use it.
2, It's been a loooooooooooooooooong week. I injured myself in such a way that I should have gotten stitches, but I didn't know that you can only get a suture 6-12 hours after the initial laceration. Suckage.
I had to take off most of my classes on Friday just so I could sleep and catch up on work from the lab. I flat out didn't turn in 2 major assignments this week. It seems to me that I have fallen behind and started digging. Not to mention, I had the first dream about Kelly in a long time last night... one in which she came back and was very friendly, but almost too needy still and vice versa. I still wish I knew where she was at. Hell... I wish I knew where I am. Typing on a blank keyboard is like playing a guitar without fretmarkers. Freeing... yet so free it's confusing. That is how my life seems right now. Like I'm not bound to anything, except my work and academics... which apparently are not binding me as much as they should be.
--------------
I went out parkouring and running last night with Frank after going to Kuk Sool earlier in the day. 1st time I did any activity since I busted my shins on Tuesday. Thankfully, I didn't start bleeding again, despite the fact that I again slipped and fell partially on my shins. Alyssa visited yesterday, but I didn't really get to see her because of other things I already had going that day. I guess I shall just have to visit her on my own sometime. I could use the one-on-one time anyway compared to visiting in a group. I could never get the hang of being in a group.
Feeling kinda lonely. It's been over a 1/3 of a year since Kelly broke off the friendship completely. I hope she's doing alright. No one will tell me anything about her. I wish we were still friends. I don't know what will still be there if she ever comes back. I'm scared to think about it now. Maybe I'm just scared. I hope you're doing ok. Your pictures say you are, but they can be interpreted many ways. I sometimes wonder what you would think about all the new activities I'm doing. Would you be worried, happy for me, think I was just doing something stupidly dangerous, or whatever else. I don't know. How's the healing coming along? I think for me the rate of acquisition of new injuries is greater than the rate of recovery from old ones. Not sure if the metaphorical counterpart is true, but it's something interesting to think about. Still waiting...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9yhSFpblUE&feature=player_embedded
1, I just got a new Das keyboard and I have to use it.
2, It's been a loooooooooooooooooong week. I injured myself in such a way that I should have gotten stitches, but I didn't know that you can only get a suture 6-12 hours after the initial laceration. Suckage.
I had to take off most of my classes on Friday just so I could sleep and catch up on work from the lab. I flat out didn't turn in 2 major assignments this week. It seems to me that I have fallen behind and started digging. Not to mention, I had the first dream about Kelly in a long time last night... one in which she came back and was very friendly, but almost too needy still and vice versa. I still wish I knew where she was at. Hell... I wish I knew where I am. Typing on a blank keyboard is like playing a guitar without fretmarkers. Freeing... yet so free it's confusing. That is how my life seems right now. Like I'm not bound to anything, except my work and academics... which apparently are not binding me as much as they should be.
--------------
I went out parkouring and running last night with Frank after going to Kuk Sool earlier in the day. 1st time I did any activity since I busted my shins on Tuesday. Thankfully, I didn't start bleeding again, despite the fact that I again slipped and fell partially on my shins. Alyssa visited yesterday, but I didn't really get to see her because of other things I already had going that day. I guess I shall just have to visit her on my own sometime. I could use the one-on-one time anyway compared to visiting in a group. I could never get the hang of being in a group.
Feeling kinda lonely. It's been over a 1/3 of a year since Kelly broke off the friendship completely. I hope she's doing alright. No one will tell me anything about her. I wish we were still friends. I don't know what will still be there if she ever comes back. I'm scared to think about it now. Maybe I'm just scared. I hope you're doing ok. Your pictures say you are, but they can be interpreted many ways. I sometimes wonder what you would think about all the new activities I'm doing. Would you be worried, happy for me, think I was just doing something stupidly dangerous, or whatever else. I don't know. How's the healing coming along? I think for me the rate of acquisition of new injuries is greater than the rate of recovery from old ones. Not sure if the metaphorical counterpart is true, but it's something interesting to think about. Still waiting...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9yhSFpblUE&feature=player_embedded
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Not much to say tonight.
I've finally found a way where I can learn parkour. In fact, there are a lot of opportunities for things I've always wanted to do that I'm taking advantage of. I think now more than ever I am enjoying the freedom of being single, and by that I mean the boatloads of time that I have to spend on whatever I choose, the not having to check in with anyone else or take anyone else's preferences about what to do or how to utilize one's resources, etc. It feels nice, though I might add a bit selfish, just having to worry about myself for a change. Life is a lot more manageable, even a lot more fun and adventurous. I don't have to deal with anyone's stubbornness or lack of enjoyment or knowledge/understanding about this or that. If I want to do something, I simply surround myself with the club/group of people that also enjoy whatever that thing is. Again, it feels almost socially promiscuous trying so many different activities, and not getting bogged down or overly focused on any one of them, but this is how I am, and this is how I would have it. There are a few clubs that I had to turn down, so as to not overburden myself, so it's not like I cannot say no to adding new time commitments either.
There is one person whose presence has not recently become considerably grating upon my being. Now it is simply amplified by proximate living quarters.
I've finally found a way where I can learn parkour. In fact, there are a lot of opportunities for things I've always wanted to do that I'm taking advantage of. I think now more than ever I am enjoying the freedom of being single, and by that I mean the boatloads of time that I have to spend on whatever I choose, the not having to check in with anyone else or take anyone else's preferences about what to do or how to utilize one's resources, etc. It feels nice, though I might add a bit selfish, just having to worry about myself for a change. Life is a lot more manageable, even a lot more fun and adventurous. I don't have to deal with anyone's stubbornness or lack of enjoyment or knowledge/understanding about this or that. If I want to do something, I simply surround myself with the club/group of people that also enjoy whatever that thing is. Again, it feels almost socially promiscuous trying so many different activities, and not getting bogged down or overly focused on any one of them, but this is how I am, and this is how I would have it. There are a few clubs that I had to turn down, so as to not overburden myself, so it's not like I cannot say no to adding new time commitments either.
There is one person whose presence has not recently become considerably grating upon my being. Now it is simply amplified by proximate living quarters.
blah...gh?
Sorrow ferments into bitterness.
The usefulness of all the passions consists in their strengthening and prolonging in the soul thoughts which aregood for it to conserve,'' Descartes wrote. ''And all the harm they can do consists in their strengthening and conserving... others which ought not to be fixed there.''
A recently attended neuroscience seminar I attended informed me of a purpose and mechanism of emotional arousal, why it happens and how it works. The release of norepinephrine (aka, noradrenaline) after any experience has been shown to drastically enhance the recollection of that experience in the short and long term in direct proportion to the amount of norepinephrine released.
As with everything, this is a double edged sword. With lab rats with which this was tested, they remembered which plate they stepped on gave them a shock so they could avoid it next time they were placed by it. But with victims of, let's say, post-traumatic stress disorder, their memory of emotionally intense and for that matter horribly destructive experiences cannot be erased, and it is simply too powerful, so powerful that it fixates their minds completely upon that experience, especially if something triggers it.
Norepinephrine, released from the adrenal glands, stimulates the amygdalla, which then goes onto up-regulate most/virtually all other sections of the brain dedicated to memory storage, regardless of the type of experience or what has been "learned" through the experience. Theoretically, if there is a defect, rather a defective enhancement, of the amygdalla, then the victim will have one hell of a time being able to "let go" of their memories, good, bad, and debilitatingly painful.
I'm not exactly trying to make a medical self-diagnosis here, but this is interesting to think about. I am someone who, at least in my opinion, has a fairly sharp long-term memory. Short-term is a different story, and sometimes I think there may be something wrong with my hippocampus for not being able to remember where I left something 2 minutes prior. But with my long-term memory, I don't know if other people remember as much as I do, but I think it is somewhat abnormal. I can remember dreams that I've had from when I was 4 years old, many times exactly where when and how I learned many of the words that I know, etc. My mind is frequently always playing some memory on repeat over and over again, either in reminiscence which is more willful, or in just because that's what it does automatically. Based upon how emotionally amplified my mind makes even mundane situations and experiences, it is no wonder to me now why it is the case that my memory is the way it is. It is also no wonder why I am finding it impossible to let go of the more recent memory of when Kelly left me. I'm not sure what the clinical definition of PTSD is, but I think I have a micro-version of it. What was sorrow at first ferments now into bitterness and anger over what happened.
"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."
Sorrow ferments into bitterness.
The usefulness of all the passions consists in their strengthening and prolonging in the soul thoughts which aregood for it to conserve,'' Descartes wrote. ''And all the harm they can do consists in their strengthening and conserving... others which ought not to be fixed there.''
A recently attended neuroscience seminar I attended informed me of a purpose and mechanism of emotional arousal, why it happens and how it works. The release of norepinephrine (aka, noradrenaline) after any experience has been shown to drastically enhance the recollection of that experience in the short and long term in direct proportion to the amount of norepinephrine released.
As with everything, this is a double edged sword. With lab rats with which this was tested, they remembered which plate they stepped on gave them a shock so they could avoid it next time they were placed by it. But with victims of, let's say, post-traumatic stress disorder, their memory of emotionally intense and for that matter horribly destructive experiences cannot be erased, and it is simply too powerful, so powerful that it fixates their minds completely upon that experience, especially if something triggers it.
Norepinephrine, released from the adrenal glands, stimulates the amygdalla, which then goes onto up-regulate most/virtually all other sections of the brain dedicated to memory storage, regardless of the type of experience or what has been "learned" through the experience. Theoretically, if there is a defect, rather a defective enhancement, of the amygdalla, then the victim will have one hell of a time being able to "let go" of their memories, good, bad, and debilitatingly painful.
I'm not exactly trying to make a medical self-diagnosis here, but this is interesting to think about. I am someone who, at least in my opinion, has a fairly sharp long-term memory. Short-term is a different story, and sometimes I think there may be something wrong with my hippocampus for not being able to remember where I left something 2 minutes prior. But with my long-term memory, I don't know if other people remember as much as I do, but I think it is somewhat abnormal. I can remember dreams that I've had from when I was 4 years old, many times exactly where when and how I learned many of the words that I know, etc. My mind is frequently always playing some memory on repeat over and over again, either in reminiscence which is more willful, or in just because that's what it does automatically. Based upon how emotionally amplified my mind makes even mundane situations and experiences, it is no wonder to me now why it is the case that my memory is the way it is. It is also no wonder why I am finding it impossible to let go of the more recent memory of when Kelly left me. I'm not sure what the clinical definition of PTSD is, but I think I have a micro-version of it. What was sorrow at first ferments now into bitterness and anger over what happened.
"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."
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