Please, God, stop these dreams from driving me to insanity.  Every morning, waking up from a non-existent world that flaunts its non-existence at me, where there is no longer a wall separating me from her, waking up into a cold, silent oblivion.  It really sucks to start one's day like this, every day for the past over a week, and to have no control over the dream whatsoever... just to be left with its sweet taste left upon waking only to turn to wormwood in realization that it was an empty dream.  When will the dream become a reality... I don't even know what has to happen before that... I don't know how long I have to wait... I just know enough to get me to the next foothold (sometimes).

I'm trying to make new friends, and I have, and I'm getting better at it too... but it will be a long time before any of these new fledgling friendships mature into something that will last any longer than maybe a few years after college.  There's just not as much depth... not as much commonality, at least not in things that matter or that I ever care about a lot.  I am squeezed into the realm casual friendships of convenience, which I guess is how most of them start, but it is a state of transition that is excruciating for me to bear without the balance of the deep-set friendships from before... anyway... I'll be with at least three of my older, wiser, more mature, and longer-held friends soon enough I guess... whether that will be enough, I guess it's up to me to decide.

;.(...  I guess I'm just tired right now after only getting four hours of sleep after a StarCraft II launch party.  I got to spend time with all my Kuk Sool friends... It was fun, and nerdy, and I guess epic... but it's not what I want.  It's what I get, and I'll make do with that and enjoy it for what it is and for where I'm at... but at the end of the night I'm still left with the cold emptiness I started with.

I feel forgotten... I guess I know that's probably not the case... it's just how I feel... My golden birthday is coming up... I'm trying to plan all these wonderful things either for it, or just to learn how to plan something I really want to do... but I don't think I'll get what I most want for the birthday that marks the end of my label as a "teenager."  I'm not even sure if anyone is planning anything for it or not.  I helped surprise my friend down here on her birthday for months in advance, with several celebrations of her actual birthday before it even happened.  I guess it's not that important... just a cultural significance attached to a day... but I'm curious what would happen if I didn't plan anything for myself for this day...

It's time to go to work, but I don't know if I'll be able to pull myself up today.  I know I'll have to.  Guess it will be one of my days of silence.  No one is terribly curious at my work to get to know each other that well, so they probably won't notice too much.

God... sorry but you'll have to carry me through today, because I can't walk another step until this maddening lonely emptiness subsides.  Please... jdap jdow ;s ,d ial nd yogdlh; auagleee kjakq; app g ,alk yso mt ngokjhate Rpda;de