Out of nowhere I just vomited tonight.  I was about to go for a run to try to get my mind off of the agony, but before I even took off I threw up because of the extreme crushing feeling in my core.  Today was miserable.  

Never has the regret hit me this bad until now.  I guess it's been piling up, saving itself for just the time when I seem to be doing alright with everything else.  What the hell were you thinking Dan?  I know exactly what you were thinking... and it will never befall you again.  Never again will I let my runaround emotional thoughts dominate my life and alter my view of those I love.  Never will I put my emotions above the well-being of another dearest friend.  I've learned my lessons, and far more than those mentioned here.  Never will I ever think that she is unattractive again, far from it.  I know my preferences, and more importantly, I know the difference between my preferences and my standards and how to treat each one as separate from the other.  

 My friends keep telling me that things will get better, but they do not know the future.  They know statistics, that things are likely to get better, which is some comfort.  But I also know that sometimes it can take almost decade or longer (as it did with both of my parents, meaning that they were married to each other for several years before they got over their other relationships) to truly "get over" (what does this even mean anymore?) someone.  I'm so confused... is she trying to "get over" simply the old relationship and friendship, get over me as a person, get over just the hurt that I gave to her...   what is going on here...

I finally deleted her cell phone number out of my contacts list, just so I have one less temptation, because it's been getting a lot worse lately.  Just seeing her pictures makes me jealous that she is seeming to be able to enjoy her life while I'm trapped in this torture chamber.  If she's doing so well, then what is she waiting for?  I don't know anything of what's going on... I wish I did... I wish I at least knew that she knew what has to happen...

Writing is the only tangible, earthly outlet that is keeping me sane through all this.  At least it gives me something to track my progress.  For now, I'm dozing off at the keyboard.  Not much sleep these last few days.