Segmented

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xW64lqpTpZw

I'm not as far as I thought I was down the road to recovery.  I wasn't really over anything; I'm just really good at forgetting for the short term, also a large part of what got me where I am.  I'm going to see a psychologist soon to see if I am a sociopath, because even though I cried my eyes out last night, there still remains something deeply hollow within me.  No, I did not always feel this callous or coagulated on the inside.  It was a recent development, though I'm not sure what exactly caused it.  Probably giving up on a lot of things that used to strongly convict me or condemn me that I needed to change them.  The thoughts that I should still do better in them are there, and even the will to do better, but the proverbial fire under my rear has been put out.

My parents told me that the minds of men are segmented and compartmentalized whereas the minds of women are one whole, like two rooms of equal size, just one is filled with boxes and the other is open, with everything connected, flowing together, etc.  This is part of what plagues me, in that I want to feel the pain that the amount of guilt I have should be inflicting upon me, but I do not.  Maybe I have emotional diabetes, where whatever causes emotion has just been so overworked that it simply cannot respond anymore when it should and starts misfiring at all the times that it shouldn't.

I guess I shouldn't feel strange about talking about secrets here that are not secret to the reader.  I was trying and succeeding not to think about the following things, but I have been reminded and now I cannot get them out.  They are what reminds me that this relationship was real, that it was good, that it was right, that it mattered when I said 'I love you' and 'I want to and am going to marry you someday.'  I already said that I am not fully convinced that it was flawed from the beginning, it was just something that Rob and Laura said, and to accept it without first putting it through my own rigorous analysis would be to fall into my same old trap of trusting other's judgment better than my own, which I need to change about myself.  But now there rages a war inside my head http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mA1LAZyHVnE over when things first actually began to take a turn for the worse, and at what point were things beyond recovery, beyond hope.  I no longer think it was at the very beginning.  I still think that it would have been possible to find myself and find God when in the relationship, though it would have taken a lot more work.  Oh God...I'm falling again... crashing into the memories...of When She Loved Me... I refuse to think that this was all for naught, that it was all meaningless, that it was flawed from the beginning.  I loved you Kelly.  But I cannot love anyone else if I do not first learn to love God and love myself.  That is why I never loved you as I should, and that is why I can never love anyone as much as they deserve until that is the case.  That is the pilgrimage I am on, and it is one that is best made alone, though it may have been possible while still with you, it may have not happened for too long had that been the case.  This is the catalyst that God saw fit, and again, I have you to thank for loving me more than I could have ever loved you while I was away from God.  You had it figured out.  You knew how to love yourself, even more than I could.  You knew how to love God, more than I could, which makes my years of studying His word and being a Christian seem absolutely worthless in comparison to the genuine nature of your faith.  When I could no longer ride upon Frank's faith, it was yours that I turned to... and... maybe that's where things took the ultimate turn?  God has removed everyone close from me whose faith I had to rest upon.  You were the last link, and now I am alone... with God.  Yet another reason I would never have given you up... because you were the faith that I was starting to build my own upon.  Now that too is gone.  I must start again.  But I have to let go of everything in the way first...  Kelly, what I am most terrified of is losing your friendship, and now that things have taken a major turn for the worse when I thought everything would be relatively ok, I am in danger of you leaving me again.  Would it be easier if I left you this time?  If I ceased to call you my best friend?  I am prepared to do it at this point.  I don't want to force all the responsibility upon you as I did with every instance that I can remember with our relationship.  I want to be the strong one this time, the one that can be depended upon.  Kelly, would it help you if we were no longer friends, or at least at all of good friends as we are now?  Or would it only make things worse?  As for me... it would destroy me.  It would tear me apart.  I value you above all of my friends still, because no one else has been as worthy or has earned it, and I don't know if they ever will.  But if it will help you, I will banish myself to be with those lesser than you, save a few like Rob and Laura though whom I could never really relate to and who I always feel intimidated by and looked down upon and condemned and always expected to mess up horribly.  I never felt that from you.  You're willing to give me a chance to change myself was all that made me want to try sometimes and all that pushed me forward at times when I just wanted to cave to the bad expectations of everyone else because they were the ones making me feel hopeless.  Don't think you could never 'fix' me Kelly, you gave me the hope that I needed to even want to fix myself, meaning, you did as much as you could, and it worked in every instance that it could, at every time that another's help could have helped me, you helped me most.  This was just not one of those situations where you could have helped, but that doesn't mean you have been a failure, you just have limitations like everyone else lesser to God.

I forgot about where I was going to go with the previous paragraph.  I wanted to list all of the memories that flooded back to me just now.  All of the things to show you that I want you back (but I do not want the old me back).  There is only one thing I want more than you, and it is God.  That priority, if nothing else, is the one that has been restored to me, but I still have you (and God obviously) to thank for it...

Staying awake most of the night at Devil's Lake, alone in the car listening to the fierce rain beating against the windows, holding each other's hands across the front seat, and sharing the beginning of an adventure.

The time when I was first told that someone could not possibly think about marrying anyone else... and I agreed.  And I was convicted by it and bound to it by my own word.

Every time I said the words "I love you" and every one of the new meanings those words took on in every new context, a statement always changing, always growing and maturing.

I winced yesterday when going to check my mailbox... because I know that no one else would care enough to send me a letter filled with all of the little and big thoughts from throughout their day.  I would no longer imagine you scribbling away in class because I was on your mind.  I would no longer hang on every letter, just knowing that it was your delicate hand that penned it.

When I called you for the first time when I got down to U of I, and I was wandering lost geographically, lost mentally.  I stopped to sit by a fountain that was lit up and saw another couple and would have died to have had you there with me.

When we worked through our problems together, and when we helped each other for real.  When you helped me learn to understand my father and learn to respect him.  All of the times you gave me confidence in myself when I had none, before or after exams, whenever I needed to talk to Rob or Laura about something important but couldn't find the strength, and the many times that we sought after God together and drew closer to Him and to each other because of it.  That one time at Harvest, when Cristyn Dunteman came up behind you and started praying for you.  The times when it was just the two of us in your car, praying for guidance.  These things really happened, and they were good.  Our relationship was not hopelessly flawed.

For every time that I jumped out of bed in the morning and ran to greet the day.  I wanted to dance and sing in the sunlight because you had made me the happiest man alive that I could be, and when I had the world for me and nothing to stand against me.  I will never be able to attain that level of happiness and contentedness that I had then until heaven comes if I remain alone til then.

Every time I counseled others in relationships based upon ours and all that we were doing right, which they were not and needed to learn.

Every time we were silent together, not because we had nothing to say, but because we already knew what the other was thinking.

All of the times we helped each other through our most vicious temptations, whether it was to keep each other accountable or when we had to abstain from physical pleasures with each other because we knew that we could serve each other and God better if we did.

I no longer care if these words are making it worse for me.  You have every reason to have your wrath with me, and I will let you have it.  I loved you Kelly, and I do not want to forget that, even if it takes longer to let go.

"Why didn't you dump me the first time you were unsure?  Why did you continue pretending for so long?  Why won't you tell me now that you actually do love me and that you want me back?"

I'll tell you why, because when I was unsure (it was about your looks in this instance) for the first time, I remember exactly what was going through my head.  I didn't dump you because I thought you were beautiful. I saw directly through my uncertainties, and it was not hard to do so.  It didn't take me straining or bending over backwards to deny myself in order to be overcome with you.  At first I wasn't sure what was happening, because before going out with you I was still unsure about some things about you.  But something happened when I made my commitment to you.  You became the standard, and yes I had to adjust a little to it, but that was a small task.  I was not pretending.  It.  Was.  Real.  So when did I start pretending?  When did my standard, you, become shaken in my eyes?  If I remember correctly, it was around the time of our one year anniversary.  I remember because I know Laura and I had a conversation about it around then.  I remember what we talked about too.  We talked about how guys become afraid around their one-year, afraid of the permanence that it suggests.  It wasn't because you were insufficient Kelly, you were more than I could have ever hoped for.  I was just afraid of something immovable.  Permanence to me reminds me too much of stagnation, and I was afraid of this too.  I was afraid that we would stop growing together, that we would run out of potential together, and this is why I started trying to induce 'growth,' by trying to get us to do more things together, by trying to get you to change how you look or dress.  I was afraid that we would stop growing, I was afraid that the rest of our lives would change but that our relationship would not change with them, that it would hold both of us back rather than doing the opposite.  I was afraid, and that fear destroyed me, and then us.  These words may seem meaningless and full of contradiction, chaotic and purposeless, but however you may perceive them, it doesn't matter, their intrinsic meaning remains:  I love you.  And I want you back.  Again... Now is the time where I must love God more, and want Him back more, and so shall I do, but that does not change the fact that I still love you, and that is the only reason I will try to let you go, is because I will always love you.  You may try to forget it, but it will continue to echo until you become deaf to it, but it will still remain.

Quote-happy

Looking up random quotes is my new pass-time.  Here are a few which I may talk about in the comments, but initially I shall leave them open to interpretation.  This really makes me want to read some Douglas Adams.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Douglas Adams 

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams 

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
Douglas Adams 

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me.
Robert Frost 

Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
Robert Frost 

I'm not confused. I'm just well mixed.
Robert Frost 

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.
Robert Frost 

Talking is a hydrant in the yard and writing is a faucet upstairs in the house. Opening the first takes the pressure off the second.
Robert Frost 

The best way out is always through.
Robert Frost 

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
Robert Frost 

The middle of the road is where the white line is - and that's the worst place to drive.
Robert Frost 

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost 

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
Robert Frost 

They would not find me changed from him they knew - only more sure of all I thought was true.
Robert Frost

Thinking isn't agreeing or disagreeing. That's voting.
Robert Frost 

Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
Robert Frost 

You have freedom when you're easy in your harness.
Robert Frost 

Melodies of Life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmShPzYD9ng
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ye7BGnlTZmQ&feature=related
Lyrics (translated):

Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark,
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart,
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain,
Melodies of life - love's lost refrain.

Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why.  //the answer to 'why' has yet to unfold entirely
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye.
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told ?
Let them ring out loud till they unfold.  //There is still much to be 'figured out' as it were from the relationship, but once understood, the stories will serve as a guide to our future relationships, wherever our now separate paths may lead us, whether they shall cross again or not.

In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me.
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name.  \\ we're still friends and can still be there for each other, even if it seems we are both in separate worlds now.

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine.
Adding up the layers of harmony.
And so it goes, on and on.
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying birds - forever and beyond.

So far and away, see the bird as it flies by.
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky.
I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings.
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings.
\\ It seems as if my memories of you are going to have to continue to fly off into the distance so that I can clearly see tomorrow and what it has in store.  

In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me ?
Was it fate that brought us close and now leave me behind ?
\\ Fate?  God's will?  Both are hard to discern, but we are both finding the reasons why we were together and all the good that it did, as well as why you have 'now left me behind,' and all of the great things that will come because of it.

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine.
Adding up the layers of harmony.
And so it goes, on and on.
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying bird - forever and on.

If I should leave this lonely world behind,
Your voice will still remember our melody.
Now I know we'll carry on.
Melodies of life,
Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts, as long as we remember.
\\ I will always remember both the good and the bad, even though by then they will have been flown into another realm.


As to the video with the song...  The cutting of her hair seems to resonate some sort of importance as it did when you cut your hair, I don't know, in both cases there is some sort of unspoken shift that took place... the sad part about it is that soon afterwards is when the girl in the video waved goodbye and flew off into the distance.

It is one of the great ironies that this song is the one that relates to me most now, as it is the one song that I listened to most frequently at the beginning of our relationship.  Fate always has the last laugh I suppose.  I think this song is a good balance between remembering the good, dealing with the dark and shadowy bad, and coming to accept that both must be left behind.  The song is nostalgic; it has a sad vocal tone to it, yet underlying is a bright and hopeful symphony.  It is the perfect mix of feelings that accompanies me now, and that is why I would like to share it.  This like the other song I sent you will continue to have a double meaning... it's like a palimpsest, where the original meaning has been overwritten, yet it still remains distinct enough to be read and remembered for what it was.

Need

There are several reasons why in the English language we use two different words for need vs. want.

Want

Without referring to a dictionary to define the terms that I use, I shall explain that this word entails a whimsical desire, however strong it may be. It is something that is inessential by very definition, however to want something does not exclude one's needing of whatever it may be. I say whimsical, because wants can stand alone, without reason, without backing, based upon nothing but one's random existential feelings of the moment.

Need

The critical issue with this word is that it cannot stand alone. Need implies a purpose or end of some sort. You do not need food, clothing, or shelter in and of themselves. You need them to stay alive. There is nothing that one inherently needs without some sort of purpose to back it. So this brings me to the point < of the post.

I was reading over a book on relationships and it says that a wife/girlfriend should be (and should feel) needed by her husband/boyfriend. So here begs the question... what does he need her for? Should he need her for anything? Let's list some possibilities that may arise...

Existence? no... I existed before I met Kelly.

Well, what about happiness? This comes from God, and I was quite happy before I met her as well. She did bring a great deal of happiness with her when she waltzed into my life, but I would not classify this as something that is essential for my happiness, which was very much present beforehand.

Hmm... what then about meaning in life? It is necessary for the success of any relationship in the long term and short for both individuals to have a secure understanding of themselves and the meaning they possess, both innate and acquired.

This is not meant to be at all derogatory to you Kelly, but what is it that you, or any other female for that matter really wants (needs?) to be needed for? I perfectly understand the need to be needed, but that does not eliminate the necessity for a purpose in this argument.
Am I over-thinking this?

Is the answer staring right at me in the face?

Is there no answer and that is the point?

Should one need another even if they have nothing essential to offer them?

This would not be need, and I'm sure I could think of a much better term for it, but I don't think this is a matter of sheer terminology. Words stand for ideas, and therein lies the query I have.

What is it that I am to need? Does needing necessitate a dependence? Should not one be only dependent upon God? I will leave it at this for now. I do not want to make our relationship conditional, but to need necessitates a condition that can either be met or unmet, though that is not to say that the relationship would be made or broken based upon said need.

Farewell for now, my Kelly. One thing that I need you for is someone to understand me in a way that only you can. Unmet would entail a specific loneliness that could not be filled in any other way.

Crowd Control

There are many reasons which I will enumerate at a later time in this post as to why I loathe trying to organize large groups of people, but nevertheless, I continue to engage with them because it acts as a sieving process that eventually leads to the filtered product of a deep conversation with a smaller group of people in a setting that is worth the loosening of my tongue in speech.

Depth vs Breadth

Interesting point I have realized about myself in attempts to find a pattern to why my mind is choosing to do what it is: In retrospect, any other romantic interest of mine has not lasted for longer than I think about two years (rounded up). This holds true with the first person I stupidly liked simply because it was my first year at school and hence the first time I had really been around anyone for any long period of time. This lasted a little less than a year. Same case with the number 2 in 7th grade - didn't last til 8th grade. I really can't remember if there was any one person in 8th grade like the previous two years. I remember one vaguely, but it seems that it only started via suggestion of a different friend, who I listened to and produced feelings accordingly. Either way, it still minimally fits the mold I have made though brings down the average to about a year. Then there was Central for freshman year, where I didn't get to know anyone close enough for there to be any significant attachment other than a vicarious attraction that died after that year. Back to CLA for soph year. Half-way through then I guess is when the longest encoded memory of a romantic obsession I had, but which also died somewhere during senior year (I'm guessing around Christmas, two years later).

Drawing back to the point of writing any of this, I expect my relationship that I'm in to last a lot longer than just a year and a half or two as with all the other romantic entities that were of far less importance. I guess what has been making me feel suddenly strange about my relationship only very recently is because it's about this time that any other romantic interest would have faded and been replaced by a new one, thus repeating the cycle ad infinitum. The cycle has been broken (good), and where I would normally be looking for someone new to restart the cycle, I now have broken away in a tangent line and am continuing with this one farther than the cycle's circumference ever could have taken me. It's something more different, new, and filled with the unknown to be explored than would have been starting anew with someone else, simply because I have not been this deep into another's life because it takes time and continuous effort, and this is where the real adventure begins.

A much needed perspective shift when the subconscious rest of me that would blindly follow through with the same old pattern was rebelling against my own conscious conscience.